I KNOW IT'S LONG, PLEASE BEAR WITH ME,, I DO NEED SOME INPUT....I am really STRUGGLING here,, give ya a snippit of one of messages to someone:

"at first my response to , oh im sorry (about divorce) i was like 'i'm not!',, but now,, i'm startin to feel real sorry... well, yeah, i mean we waited, for the kids, for the whole marriage now, and it gets to a point where, who is it hurting more? the bickering , and now separateness or dislike for each other.. has to be quite obvious to the kids. they are finally old enuf to start to understand,, but also, i'm kinda glad they're old enuf to where i could actually be away from them for more than overnite... they've only had a few overnite stays with my parents, their whole lives... I'm too anxious to leave them for any length of time... especially with jack arse! he;ll let em climb trees and probably cook their own eggs, i mean those are dumb examples, but that stuff has always been my fear, and then of course, my daughter has said something kinda out of the blue,,, 'i really don't want u and daddy to be apart'... so she knows something is up,,,, and also, it's apparent that she really doesnt care HOW we are together,, as long as we are.. and it's tearing me apart. "

I JUST had a bomb ass bday weekend... no card from him of course... whatever, but being at a couple of hang outs.. around single, or Ahem, probably nOT single men,, made me even more sure i dont wanna be with him,, but that shouldnt override what's best for the kids/... what the heCK is tho???