I'm still having a hard time but I'm making progress. I've focused this year on being there for my daughters, maximizing quality time, maximizing the little things like an extra bedtime story, an extra long bedtime prayer, an extra game or puzzle, and extra long tickle and wrestle session. My career has somewhat derailed, but I'm still working as best I can. I need to be a father first. I've put my home back together. I pay my bills. I joined a bible study group. I walk the dog. I breathe in and out, I try to focus on what I can do in the next 10 minutes when I really feel lonely. I've become closer with neighbors and a few friends. It's still hard for me to believe the spouse you loved so deeply would just file for divorce and walk out when you have children together. That's the hard one to forgive, but I keep working at it. I've forgiven the all the lying and the infidelity stuff. Mostly I'm worried about my girls and their little hearts. It's been a tough year for them, but I've done everything I can think of to make it a little easier on them. They can count on their father to always love them, to always be there in heart, mind and spirit as they face all the challenges in their lives. We have grown very close, but it still hurts when I have to give them up to their mom. It hurts every single time. Some things in life just don't make any sense. I know I should be thankful for many, many things and I try my best to focus on that. I've recently dated a few times, but only enough to know I am not yet ready. Perhaps in time. Perhaps not. Until then, I'll focus on my daughters, my relatives, helping those around me and on my career. The one great certainty is that my dream of a loving family is now a broken one.
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