So, this is going to be a hard message for me to write. I originally wrote this in the Physical and Emotional Abuse forum, but would love feedback from here as well.

I emotionally abused my wife. It wasn't something I did intentionally. It wasn't something I did with the intent to hurt. One thing led to another, and I was saying things I didn't mean and I wasn't saying and doing the things I did mean.

The relationship has always been rocky. Infidelities (both ways), a lack of compassion and understanding, lots of lying and so forth. This doesn't excuse my behavior, but frames the discussion.

She's moved out. We're working on the relationship, though I don't get to see her as often as I would like. I love my wife and miss her terribly.

Growing up, I experienced issues with an alcoholic parent, neglect/abandonment and hypercriticality of me. I promised myself never to act that way with my son, and I don't, but I forgot to include the clause to not be that way with my wife. I have neglected and abandoned her, and I've certainly been hypercritical of her.

Our counselor has suggested I look at my own lack of empathy and my tendency to be somewhat self focused and narcissistic. I've started to do so, and realized what a poor job I did trying to understand where she was coming from.

She's living in a communal house. Last Sunday, she told me she wanted a divorce and that she wanted to sleep with one of her roommates. When we separated, we agreed to work on the relationship. Over the course of the evening, we decided to keep trying. I explained to her that working on the relationship included not pursuing someone else. She initially had the position that she wouldn't sleep with him, but knowing that she tends to be a bit literal with commitments (rather than addressing intent), she later said she saw that commitment as being anything shy of actual penetration. I was clearer with my boundary and told her that any intimacy with someone else wasn't going to work for me. She agreed to hold off. It was a rough night. I have these mental images of being with some amazing Adonis who will sweep her off her feet and take any hope of repairing this away.

We both saw our counselor on Monday separately. The counselor was concerned that she was looking to fill the intimacy gap right away. She called me after she saw her, and asked that a planned dinner on Tuesday night happen not at the house, but some neutral location. She wanted to have some boundaries. I was pretty scared, to be honest. I was pretty certain that she was going to bail again on the relationship. She didn't, though. We had a great time. We hugged. We kissed. We told each other that we loved each other.

I saw her again on Wednesday when she picked our son up for a trip to the coast to see the grandparents for Thanksgiving. She tends to rapidly vascilate when shes emotional, so I was expecting her to panic again that Tuesday had gone well. She didn't. It was a little uncomfortable, but overall pretty good. Again, hugs, kisses and commitments of love for one another. I tried kissing her a bit more passionately, and she asked me to stop (which I did immediately).

I want this marriage to work. I love this woman. I want to learn to respect her boundaries and her to respect mine. I want to heal past pains. I want to be more empathetic to her and less narcissistic. I have needs here as well, and I won't deny I'm hoping she's willing to work on these too. But I really want her to give this a chance. I just really miss her right now. I've screwed so much in my marriage up. I'm sorry sweetie -- I didn't mean to hurt you. I know that doesn't make it all better, but maybe its enough to get the chance to learn to cherish you in the ways I always should have.