Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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FrmDeb2U 12/02/2007

Some of you know my situation.... for those of you who don't.

My husband was physically and emotionally abusive for the duration of our 20 year marriage.

I left him over a year ago and he still thinks I owe him another chance because this is the first time that I left him.

We have a conference set for this Wednesday morning at the Courthouse with our attorneys present to try to reach an agreement concerning our divorce.

I talked to him on the phone earlier tonight and he again asked me if this is what I want...meaning the divorce. Then he was saying that this doesn't have to happen and that we don't need to let other people tell us what to do... blah blah blah. He says that I don't know how good I would have it, if I did go back to him because he wants to make up the past 20 years to me.

I don't love him the same way that he seems to still love me. I am scared about finalizing this divorce, but think it's the best thing for me.

I'm just wondering if anyone has an opinion concerning whether or not an abusive person can really change???

Is it even possible to learn to love someone that treated me so badly for 20 years?

deleted_user 12/02/2007

My husband was physically abusive for 17 years, and he changed. But on the other hand, he did learn a new trick= serious emotional abuse.
You never can tell.

FrmDeb2U 12/02/2007

Mine is really good at serious emotional abuse too...also sexual abuse at times.

deleted_user 12/02/2007

from what i have read, seen and know (with some people), abusers have a real difficulty stopping destructive behavior with the same partner, especially in a long term relationship. it becomes a learned behavior for the person and these type of behaviors are difficult to remove from the relationship. many think that the abuser has always been abusive, prior or future (different partners), but many times it is a characteristic (of the abuser) for that situation. most likely because the person feels inferior or jealous and it becomes their way of taking control. you did right, especially if you don't have the same love that you used to.

deleted_user 12/02/2007

In my opinion, there is no excuse for physical violence. I have a big problem with people who do.

Only you can know if he can change. You have known him for 20 years. Did you see any kind of change or concern for you?

He is asking you to come back. Why? Is it because he is feeling bad and lonely? Does he want you back for selfish reasons?

It is my experience, that most don't change. My ex told me countless times that she would change, that things would get better. She even said that she would make it all up to me. It never happened. Never will.

There does come a time when there is no going back. You mentioned if it was possible to learn to love him again. Love should not be learned, it just happens.

deleted_user 12/02/2007

The change/recovery rates for spousal abusers is very low. Does he love you and want to make up the last 20 years or is he panicking because he is losing control. Mine is doing the VERY same thing right now. The problem with his proclamations of love and wanting to reconcile? He forgot to admit any of the hell he has brought into my life or apologize. Still rationalizing and blaming me. How do you rationalize or blame the other person for putting your hands on them in anger? Please, Deb, don't let him tell you what you what you are vulnerable to - want to hear in order to put you back under his power and control. Don't let him guilt you, either. You are not responsible for his emotional well being. HE made these choices when he chose to abuse you. He needs to be a big boy now and be accountable for what he has done wrong - for your well being, but his, too. If you take him back, he will be off the hook and regress into worse behavior. I speak from experience. I am here for you.

FrmDeb2U 12/02/2007

Thank you for the comments... I know all of you are right. I know this is all true deep down and for some reason am questioning myself.

Thank you for reassuring me that I'm doing the right thing. I may need you to keep reassuring me over the next several days. :) Thanks again!

deleted_user 12/02/2007

Your feeling guilty, I think it's normal.

I sometimes feel guilty for leaving my ex and letting her fend for herself with her addiction. But then I come to my senses and remember that I need to worry about me. She is responsible for her own actions.

Thriver 12/02/2007

If he could just change because he decided to now, why couldn't he decide that before? If it is that easy, why did he treat you like that for 20 years?
I think he plans to make you pay for filing, not make anything up to you.
Run. girl!

deleted_user 12/02/2007

My stbx was physically abusive up until I had him arrested 3 1/2 years ago. He went through an intense counseling program. He stopped physically abusing but became more controling with emotional, mental, and sexual. The counseling covered every form of abuse also. It was through the vera house here in NY state. He may have changed one behavior, but made up for it with others.

patti22 12/02/2007

The phrase "make up for the past 20 years" bothers me. You could ask him what he would think it would take to do that. Ask him to be specific, I doubt his answers would make you happy. No one can undo the past. How would he resolve problems in the future. That's what needs to be fixed. And he would be very undeveloped in those skills. Since the only time he has been motivated to work on them is with the two of you apart, I would say that that is the best answer. PS you could always start/continue counceling even if you are divorced. No laws against getting re-married or living together a few years from now after he's shown real change.

deleted_user 12/02/2007

I have found through counselling that anyway you were treated, with the mental, emotional and physical abuse become habits and the abuser really does not always even realize they are doing it! I would say, go through with your divorce... I agree with the other replys, that he is losing control and that is what is really bothering him!
I am here for any kind of support or reassurance you may need, not only in the next week,, but as long as you need it!
Bless you and Big Hugs to you!

deleted_user 12/02/2007

Nobody deserves any sort of abuse. I am leaving a marriage after 25 years because of emotional, and sexual abuse. I am sad, I cry a lot, I mourn a lost family unit, but I do not deserve to be treated that way. If your spouse hasn't changed in 20 years, I have my doubts if he can.

One thing I am doing is getting counselling about this divorce and it is very helpful - helps ground me when I begin to doubt myself or fall too deeply into sadness. I found my counselling through the Women's Center in my town, and given my lack of money, it's a blessing it's free.
Please take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You are important and deserve a chance for a life with happiness and joy!

deleted_user 12/02/2007

You ask this:

"I'm just wondering if anyone has an opinion concerning whether or not an abusive person can really change??? "

Does it matter? Ask yourself the more important question. Have you changed?
I mean really changed. My guess is you have not. I'm not being judgemental here. I have been in a similiar type of relationship. YOU must decide what you are willing to accept and YOU must decide if you are strong enough to stand up to this abuser after years of conditioning yourself not to do so.

For myself, I choose not to risk that. When I'm healthy and whole again, I would like someone in my life. I can answer for myself only; it will NOT be my stbx. That's not something I'm happy about or feel victorious about. It's just what it is. It's about what I want and what I will accept.

Go inward for your answers; go inside yourself!

deleted_user 12/02/2007

By the way, and I mean this in the most non-antagonistic way. I learned to develop my true coping skills from a dear friend on DS..... He goes by the profile name, BigBeeper. Everything and everyone is not always what it or they appears to be at first glance.

deleted_user 12/02/2007

I forgot to mention - if I were him, I wouldn't want to pay alimony or CS, either! I would be singing the reconciliation song, too - it's a lot cheaper! He wants his power and control back and he wants to keep his money ;-)

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