It is all I can do to function. I love my hubby with my entire being. The good times were the best of my life. The bad times were by far the worst I could imagine. I constantly pray for a miracle. I hold out for hope. I can't let go and honestly, I don't want to. If he could be the good him. He can't even see and take responsibility for his behavior. He thinks he can say HORRIBLE and I do mean horrible things to me and about me and then say "I'm sorry" and I'm supposed to immediately forget it all. Well words leave scars. I always wanted resolution after the words, but that caused a war, sorry should be enough and it dropped, he said. If I told you all the horrible things he said and all I have put up with, you like everyone else would question WHY I still love him. Heck, I question it and I assure you that if I had a switch to turn my love off for him, I would. I just keep hoping that he will come around and realize the damage he did to me and he will allow God to change him. I do realie that will take a miracle. Just this week I discovered that he is on several dating web sites advertising for wife #4. I thought I would absolutely DIE, in fact I wanted to. I was up the entire night crying my heart out, no sleep at all. He's been gone 2 months and been on some of the sites more than a month. Yet he was telling me that he was trusting God to restore our marriage. His idea of what needs to happen is that I need to change to accept his behavior. I can't and I shouldn't do that. I tried to as long as I felt I could. Emotionally and mentally he was killing me. For the first month I handled it great, now I feel I am an emotional wreck. I have always been a very bright and strong woman, however this has almost destroyed me. I don't want another man, I want my husband. He was the love of my life! My dream has to have a husband whom I loved and he returned my love. I was married for 21 yrs (1st marriage) to my childrens father. We grew apart, we never talked. I swore that wouldn't happen with the next, so I told this one everything and he didn't want to hear it!!! This husband had been married 2 times prior to me for a lil over 3 yrs to each. His 2nd wife has the exact complaints about his behavior. Big difference, she admits to me, she didn't love him, like I do. My hubby admits to being co-dependent and wanting a wife. However, when he has one, he doesn't want her until after he is finished with all else he wants to do. I told him repeatedly that I do not want to be his left overs. On top of that, put up with his mental and emotional abuse. Just today he emails me and invites me to come to his house to see if our marriage license still works. Again, he has a need. It is all about him! To be honest I would have loved to have gotten in the car and ran to him and allowed him to HOLD ME!! That would have felt so GREAT!!! But I can't give into him to satify a need like that, when I have the need for him to show me REAL LOVE (compassion, caring and understanding)!! I know he will, if he doesn't already, have someone else. He is such a charmer and a very handsome man. What am I to do? I am completely crushed.
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