Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Since we separated in November, the stbx has written several times that we need an interpreter to communicate.
We each claim to never have understood the other. This was caused by a very weird cycle...stbx would speak in incomplete sentences that usually inferred that I was already told, and therefore should remember something that I did not recall being told. Or, that I was just not paying attention, or some other such explaination. I was always acused of being to verbally forceful in my statements, which not I see because I never felt acknowledged or understood by her, so I pressed my points even more....futile. There was never any admission on her part that her style of communicating might be part of the problem.
I have worked for the same job for nearly 16 years and while I have gotten passionate about certain positions, I have never experienced the kind of complete communication breakdown I experienced with the stbx.
The really difficult part right now is, that she refuses to communicated with me directly; that any and all communication should be only about the children and be dome only by way of email, and only devoid of emotion, or by looking at the google calendar we set up.
I accept this, I just wish, since she seems to have moved on so successfully, that she could talk to me when we need to talk. Then I remember that we couldn't communicate effectively before...why should it be abler to happen now?
A successful marriage has to have effective, clear communication at the heart of the relationship. Otherwise we are destined to not undertand what the other person in the relationship truly means and what their feeling are behind their statements.
We each claim to never have understood the other. This was caused by a very weird cycle...stbx would speak in incomplete sentences that usually inferred that I was already told, and therefore should remember something that I did not recall being told. Or, that I was just not paying attention, or some other such explaination. I was always acused of being to verbally forceful in my statements, which not I see because I never felt acknowledged or understood by her, so I pressed my points even more....futile. There was never any admission on her part that her style of communicating might be part of the problem.
I have worked for the same job for nearly 16 years and while I have gotten passionate about certain positions, I have never experienced the kind of complete communication breakdown I experienced with the stbx.
The really difficult part right now is, that she refuses to communicated with me directly; that any and all communication should be only about the children and be dome only by way of email, and only devoid of emotion, or by looking at the google calendar we set up.
I accept this, I just wish, since she seems to have moved on so successfully, that she could talk to me when we need to talk. Then I remember that we couldn't communicate effectively before...why should it be abler to happen now?
A successful marriage has to have effective, clear communication at the heart of the relationship. Otherwise we are destined to not undertand what the other person in the relationship truly means and what their feeling are behind their statements.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
I've discovered that my husband didn't want to communicate. He just wanted me to shut up and leave him alone, so he could do what he wanted to do it without any "interference" from me. IOW, he didn't want to be fully present in our relationship, he just wanted to "be there" because he liked having his cake (our life together) but he wanted to eat it too (do what he wanted, behind my back). To communicate would have been far too much trouble for him.
Every time I share how I feel about something, he goes ballistic and shuts me out, and makes judgments about my feelings. IOW, I'm not "allowed" to feel anything and express those feelings, because it makes him uncomfortable, and if he is uncomfortable, then I'M BAD.
Well, anyways, my point is, some people don't want to communicate, because they truly don't care about anyone else. It is all about them.
I just suggested to my husband (via email) that we need a therapist to get us through our divorce. It is a nightmare.
I'm surprised we managed to stay married as long as we did. But then, he'd probably still be here, telling me he loves me, acting like Husband Of the Year, had I not said, "Enough is enough, I *know* something isn't right here.."
So true, both parties have to cultivate good communication and want good communication. I spent a whole year in counseling, focusing a lot on communication, and by the end of that time I got so good I was able to honestly say to the Mr., "You know, no one else has trouble communicating with me the way you do." This made him furious because he really was trying to put all the blame on me. Something's not right, that's for sure.
OTOH, if I was weepy and worried, crying, and said, "I am so worried about our marriage" he would be so sweet and reassuring.."No, Sweetie, there's nothing wrong, it is just work, I love you Sweetie, I'm sorry, it is just work."
It was so confusing. It was emotionally abusive, is what it was, because it was manipulative.
When I finally sat him down and (again) LOVINGLY and KINDLY said, "I know something isn't right here, I can feel it in my gut and I'm going to honor that feeling, I am committed to you and to our marriage, there's nothing I wouldn't work through to save our marriage, but you have to get honest with me." And he said, "I can't do that." And BOOM, my marriage was over. From "I love you Sweetie" ten minutes before when he walked in the door, to OVER, on a dime.
And, it was all my fault. ????
I feel like I've been living in the twilight zone for 20 years. Where everything is upside down and inside out and black is white and you thought you knew the truth but you didn't, and it was all your fault even though you tried to do everything you reasonably could to fix any problems you saw but were cut off at every pass.
i hope this makes sence and helps. if not i am sorry.
Even if you had proof (and he hated that you went and found proof) he was still right, and you were horrible for proving that he was wrong.
We still don't talk about much more than the little day to day things, mostly the kids and his work schedule, and occasionally the stupid thing someone did at work...
When will I get off this merry-go-round **smacks head**