Hi all, I wanted to make a clarification to my earlier post about men/women who "can't" love. Most were damaged at a very young age and are not even aware that they are sabotaging their own happiness. They WANT to love you and obviously thought they did if they got to the point of marrying you. But when reality sets in, their "fears" kick in and they ever so slightly start the fault finding, belittling, being unreasonable, etc. In fact, it usually starts happening so slowly that you don't even realize right away what is happening (unless you are familiar with this "illness"). A healthy partner's response is to love them more, give in more, do more of the compromising, etc. in an effort to make things better and end the conflict. However, the one with the fear doesn't WANT things to get better - they need to create enough "distance" in the relationship (and by distance, I mean they choose things that they KNOW you two will always have conflicts over) so they can CONTROL the atmosphere in the relationship. Let me ask you this...how many of you experienced your husband/wife pulling away from you after a particularly good weekend together, night together, week together, holiday together, etc.?? I guess we will all believe whatever we need to believe to get thru but I am a TRUE BELIEVER in Stephen Carter's years of research on relationships. It is uncanny how many people write in telling about their experiences with a man or woman who wouldn't commit after being together for YEARS sometimes....only to walk away from that relationship and get married to someone else within weeks or months!! Some of us are probably some of the unlucky ones whose arms they ran in to. These men and women were so determined to prove to the world that they didn't have any issues with commitment that their fantasy stage got them thru the wedding and everything. Then WHAM!! These books are just too damn accurate to not give them some credence! And even though we all made it to the alter, please read the archives of the many letters from men and mostly women who were in r/s's for MONTHS OR YEARS with someone who would never commit to them and sent them mixed messages. There experiences are not a whole lot different than ours...EXCEPT that we are MARRIED to them. They still do the push/pull thing, etc. Go to the yahoo search engine and type in "getting to commitment surge" and click on what pops up and read the posts. You may gain some insight from it...or not. I think anything that might possibly help us "understand" as much as we can is a good thing. And I truly believe those of you with similar stories to mine will most definitely benefit from this stuff. Good luck,
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