I read your profile. That is scary. I suggest you talk to a counselor about talking to the kids. I would say that Dad is sick. He has a gambling addiction. As for college, most kids have to help pay for college and student loans will cover the rest.

I don't know that it's a good idea to let them know what he's all done. I guess it depends on their age. If he's a good parent, maybe it's best to leave it at that and just say that mom and dad just couldn't get along to stay married, but still love you just the same.

I keep telling myself that to our children, it's not important. I word what I say regarding their Dad very carefully. They are now learning for themselves what kind of man he is when he misses visitation, etc. As time passes they will understand.

Both of my kids are under 10, it must be much more difficult with older children. You are not alone and I hope others have more advice to add.

Wow,, I just read your journals,, I feel for you and your daughters!
My kids just seemed to know what was going on,, I did not have to tell them a whole lot! They are pretty smart little creatures! ;-)
The reason your attorney is suggesting that you talk to your daughter about going with her father is that it will look like you are persuading her to dislike him when you go to court! If you talk to her about it and she still does not want to go then at least you honestly tried! She is 16,, it really is legally up to her! She gets to make her visitation decisions since she is over 14!
I will keep you in my thoughts and I really feel for you!
Hugs!

That's tough one to answer. Your oldest child is probably old enough to know, but that's just a hunch. However, part of me thinks that it shouldn't come from you. Just let them know that you and hubby needed to part ways for a number of adult reasons. I'm not sure if a teenager will accept that explanation.

If you believe that the stbx still loves his daugthers, then you can comfortably say to your children that no matter what happens, "mom and dad love you both very much and always will".

Very tough situation. My kids were in a similar boat, but they found out about their dad's long term infidelity because of their 9 yr old 1/2 brother! Your kids probably know more than you think. But kids are very forgiving usually. My kids see their dad and go visit him at his house where he now lives with his girlfriend and their 1/2 brother. I don't know how it will all work out, but I am glad they see him. He's their dad and they love him, no matter what he did. I would be honest with your kids and just give them facts. Try not to speak badly about their dad. They don't want to hear it. This link offers a lot of good advice. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm best of luck to you.

You do not owe it to your kids to tell them EVRYTHING. Just be careful who you tell ANYTHING TO.

Someone mentioned my EX's DUI and jail time within earshot of my 7 year-old and he asked me questions. Had to water that one down because I did not want him to know the complete truth.

Thank you guys so much for the advice. I try really hard not to bad talk their dad in front of them. My youngest has no idea what he has done. My oldest daughter kind of knows because of our financial situation. You know she asks for things and I have to tell her no.

50 k in gambling is a lot less than a custody battle with two lawyers, forensics and child attny will cost.

If you had an illness that cost 50k beyond your medical coverage would you want/ expect your husband to pay it to treat your illness to make it better? Would he? If so, why won't you?

Sometimes its better that they don't know everything that is going on. Children take on so much blame. You do need to talk to them, and make it clear that it is not their fault, but I wouldn't point fingers (even if that is hard).

My d is 13... she asked her Dad point-blank one day why we were separating, and he told her the truth. She doesn't know all the details, but she is a quiet smart kid who probably knows more than I give her credit for.

I have stressed many times that she can talk to me about anything... I have said she can go back to the therapist any time she wants, just to say the word.

She found a picture of his OW on the computer... she knows who it is, but didn't say anything. She's heard my Mom talking and picks up stuff from that.

My approach was to not lie... I will answer anything she asks as directly as I can. But, I keep in mind how old she is and don't give her more info than what she asked for. I let her know I am here for her, and that she can come to me about anything.

(((Hugs))) to you and your girls...

RobNi we aren't in a custody battle. The divorce is unconested. I want a divorce because he is not willing to get help and if I am ever going to pull myself out of this mess he has made for us I had to get away from him. After being in counseling for a month he decided he didn't have a problem and said he would no longer attend counseling. Why are you questioning my reasons for wanting a divorce?? Is that really any of your business?? I asked advice on how to handle all this with my children. I am sorry if you don't agree with my reasoning. The good thing is that you don't have to agree because you aren't in my marriage!

you're clearly not in your marriage or for it either. You decided to leave because of his gambling, an illness. Imagine if one day your husband decided you had cancer or were in an accident and become disabled...illnesses. Would you want him to leave? No he would be described as a no good bastard then too, right? This is why vows are...for better or worse.

oh and since you mention the children...do you honestly think for one second that your kids give two shits about 50 k in gambling debt? They would much rather have their father around and their parents together.

RobNi...um no. Kids really don't want parents to stay in a marriage that is no longer working. They know the truth no matter how we try to protect them.

I'm sorry...I feel you are so so wrong about this.