
Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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I'm feeling very confused and driving my sister and best-friend crazy. I don't want to end my marriage of 7 years because I do love my husband at times and we have 2 wonderful kids together. But.... I caught him in a lie that involved cheating and it wasn't the first time. This time he likes this girl and I think he has chosen her over me.
For years, he has told me that I haven't met his needs of appreciation and affection, ie. greet him with smiles and hugs, initiate affection. I'm kinda subdued and return affection but rarely do I give it out first. We have always had fun together just the 2 of us. Well since having kids, its hard to have as much fun together. We have grown apart and I have had a bad atttitude towards him. And he has had a bad attitude with me. He doesn't help me much either. I pretty much take care of the entire house, finances, and kids. He is a good provider though. We have a nice place to live and go out for dinner.
He will only reconcile with me if I sign a separation agreement. This way we have things in order if they don't work out. This seems very wrong to me but I'm willing to do it to try and save the marriage. In favor of him, I have said I would change in the past to be more affectionate and haven't done so.
I really think I can change to be a better wife and initiate affection and appreciation. I felt that I had an enlighting experience being separated. I read Dr.Laura's book and it validated his needs exactly. This helped me see that I really do need to make more of an effort. But he doesn't believe me.
I kinda feel he wants a separation agreement to separate and get on with this other relationship.
I don't really trust him anymore either. So I don't know what I'm to do. I'm going to church in the morning and trying to rely on God these days.
For years, he has told me that I haven't met his needs of appreciation and affection, ie. greet him with smiles and hugs, initiate affection. I'm kinda subdued and return affection but rarely do I give it out first. We have always had fun together just the 2 of us. Well since having kids, its hard to have as much fun together. We have grown apart and I have had a bad atttitude towards him. And he has had a bad attitude with me. He doesn't help me much either. I pretty much take care of the entire house, finances, and kids. He is a good provider though. We have a nice place to live and go out for dinner.
He will only reconcile with me if I sign a separation agreement. This way we have things in order if they don't work out. This seems very wrong to me but I'm willing to do it to try and save the marriage. In favor of him, I have said I would change in the past to be more affectionate and haven't done so.
I really think I can change to be a better wife and initiate affection and appreciation. I felt that I had an enlighting experience being separated. I read Dr.Laura's book and it validated his needs exactly. This helped me see that I really do need to make more of an effort. But he doesn't believe me.
I kinda feel he wants a separation agreement to separate and get on with this other relationship.
I don't really trust him anymore either. So I don't know what I'm to do. I'm going to church in the morning and trying to rely on God these days.
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I've been on both sides of the fence that you're in in the same relationship. You're not meeting his needs, but the good thing is you admit that and you want to work on it. Big plus for you.
Second, he's not really meeting your needs. Can you make him see that? Can you define what your emotional needs are? (Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil [hate the show, like his writing] is a good one and mid way he wants you to really write your emotional needs down - good for hubs to read too).
Trust has been eroded because neither one of you are certain the other can change, and that's a valid feeling....
...YET, if you're willing and he's willing, it's time to sit down and negotiate these needs. I suggest:
1) The other girl has to be gone and he agrees to that. It has no place in your marriage.
2) Legal separation just gets it closer to divorce. Find out why he insists on it. If you've managed the money well, there's no need. What legal separation is useful for is if one person's spending is out of control...(or if you want to pay for an apartment for your gf to live in). It may be a way to avoid alimony payments too.
3) You both need to come up with ideas on rebuilding trust. Old habits go away best when replaced by new habits.
I disagree with statements that relationships should be happy without too much work. You both have a lot invested in this to walk away simply because you don't want to work hard (the collective "you" not just "you").
If my wife would agree to work on it and try and even acknowledge my needs (as you have done here), I wouldn't have found this site. I'd be busy working on my marriage.
The fact that he would consider reconciling under any circumstances mean he doesn't want to give it up 100% either, for whatever reason.
I hope I haven't angered too many people, I just don't see a villian here - I see a marriage where mistakes were made on both sides (welcome to the Real World) and for this to heal and move forward, both parties have to show effort. Whether or not its recoverable is up to you both.
Engage him in dialogue and don't be afraid to ask why. Not a demanding or confrontational why, but a desire to understand better and see if it's something you can negotiate.
Good luck.
Sounds like your husband isn't and hasn't been committed to you for some time or your relationship. I agree with many here who have already suggested to you that he just wants out and is trying to manipulate you in order to get what he wants. He isn't thinking about you or the future of your relationship if he is with other women.
If you can, get into a divorce support group. You'll be amazed at how many people are currently or have gone through similar circumstances. But be careful not to allow him to manipulate your emotions. He knows you, and he knows how to work you. He has a cushion to fall back on, it's her, the other woman. He is taking care of him and his emotions and won't think twice about leaving you spiraling into a depression after you realize he isn't coming back and never was there with you in the first place. Wish I could apologize for being so straight forward about it, but you have to take care of you or you are going to end up in a worse place emotionally than you already are at this moment in time. Take control for your own good. If he wants you, he will come back to you no matter what you decide.
Well, obviously I am not ok with it or I would not be here either. I dont know a woman in the world that would be ok with that.
But it sounds to me like he either wants written permission to mess around, or something to use against you later.