It's pretty simple. If he loves you as he should he would be doing everything he can to save this marriage. My gut feeling is he doesn't. He is setting you up for the big fall. Once you sign your name on that paper he can do what he wants, holding it over your head as a whip to keep you in line. He's setting you up now to see what he can get by with when it comes right down to divorcing you. What you sign now will he can probably use against you in court when he does divorce you. It's called planning ahead. Be smarter than he thinks you are. Don't sign anything and remember if you loves you he wouldn't be doing this.

I have to agree with everyone. The seperation agreement can be all ready to go, if that makes him feel better. But what is the rush to sign it? If he truely wants to work on the marriage and reconcile why is he pushing for you to sign it? If things don't work out it is ready to go, you can sign it then. All I can say is trust your instincts. God gave them to you for a reason!

I agree with everyone too, a seperation agreement? Like everyone else said if he wanted it to work then he would make it work and don't beat yourself up so much about the affection and such, nobody is perfect and we all go up and down hills with our emotions whether there physical, emotional, mental or whatever and if this is the type of man that can cheat and involve hisself with another woman than maybe sub-conciously you've had reason to not be affectionate with him maybe it was that gut feeling but please don't blame yourself and your actions as a reason he went running to another woman, if he ever told you that than he is even lying to himself and has a pitiful poor excuse to validate his actions.

I agree with everyone -- BUT... I have to wonder how much he feels he needs to have some sort of "motivator" for you. You have said that you have said before that you will be more affectionate and haven't followed through. Still, it is not a healthy relationship when one partner feels they have to "motivate" the other. I have to wonder why you find it so hard to initiate affection. Form the sounds of it, there is more here than meets the eye. I would suggest you seek counseling, either as a couple, or yourself. Reading books can only push you so far.

I hate to sound harsh...but what's in it for you? You deserve to be happy without putting too much effort into it. Do you honestly think that "your change" would salvage your marriage? He is seeing someone else..he is blind right now. Nothing that you do will change his decisions...at least for now. I am sorry, I don't have a concrete advise for you...I just hope that church will give you peace of mind.

Hoo boy, I'm about to go against the grain here...

I've been on both sides of the fence that you're in in the same relationship. You're not meeting his needs, but the good thing is you admit that and you want to work on it. Big plus for you.

Second, he's not really meeting your needs. Can you make him see that? Can you define what your emotional needs are? (Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil [hate the show, like his writing] is a good one and mid way he wants you to really write your emotional needs down - good for hubs to read too).

Trust has been eroded because neither one of you are certain the other can change, and that's a valid feeling....

...YET, if you're willing and he's willing, it's time to sit down and negotiate these needs. I suggest:

1) The other girl has to be gone and he agrees to that. It has no place in your marriage.

2) Legal separation just gets it closer to divorce. Find out why he insists on it. If you've managed the money well, there's no need. What legal separation is useful for is if one person's spending is out of control...(or if you want to pay for an apartment for your gf to live in). It may be a way to avoid alimony payments too.

3) You both need to come up with ideas on rebuilding trust. Old habits go away best when replaced by new habits.

I disagree with statements that relationships should be happy without too much work. You both have a lot invested in this to walk away simply because you don't want to work hard (the collective "you" not just "you").

If my wife would agree to work on it and try and even acknowledge my needs (as you have done here), I wouldn't have found this site. I'd be busy working on my marriage.

The fact that he would consider reconciling under any circumstances mean he doesn't want to give it up 100% either, for whatever reason.

I hope I haven't angered too many people, I just don't see a villian here - I see a marriage where mistakes were made on both sides (welcome to the Real World) and for this to heal and move forward, both parties have to show effort. Whether or not its recoverable is up to you both.

Engage him in dialogue and don't be afraid to ask why. Not a demanding or confrontational why, but a desire to understand better and see if it's something you can negotiate.

Good luck.

You might want to read my journal. My husband lied to me after we separated, telling me he wanted me back and he was working on himself so he could be back with me and I'd still be his wife even if we got a divorce. After I met him for three major holidays, I found out he was living with the woman he told me he didn't want when he met me. He had been living with her almost the entire time we had been separated and calling me telling me he was living with different friends. I trusted him, I went back to be with him, I paid for everything again on his promise to send money to help with the cost of us meeting over the holidays, and still haven't seen a dime from him. He finally put on a little show for this other woman with me on the phone because she is quite iterally "keeping" him now and he had to make her think he really wants to be with her so she won't kick him out. It has taken another several weeks to get over being pulled back into his selfish world of lies as he was just using me and keeping me "on the line" so he could use me in the future. Every time I think I'm okay and moving forward with my life, he calls and gets all gushy with me again. I have stopped taking his calls or listening to any messages he leaves for me.

Sounds like your husband isn't and hasn't been committed to you for some time or your relationship. I agree with many here who have already suggested to you that he just wants out and is trying to manipulate you in order to get what he wants. He isn't thinking about you or the future of your relationship if he is with other women.

If you can, get into a divorce support group. You'll be amazed at how many people are currently or have gone through similar circumstances. But be careful not to allow him to manipulate your emotions. He knows you, and he knows how to work you. He has a cushion to fall back on, it's her, the other woman. He is taking care of him and his emotions and won't think twice about leaving you spiraling into a depression after you realize he isn't coming back and never was there with you in the first place. Wish I could apologize for being so straight forward about it, but you have to take care of you or you are going to end up in a worse place emotionally than you already are at this moment in time. Take control for your own good. If he wants you, he will come back to you no matter what you decide.

My personal experience.. sounds like he is wanting a way out without actually saying he wants out. A month after I found oout my ex was in fact cheating on me,he asked me to give our marriage another chance.. and stupidly I did. He never did break things off with the whore he was messing around with, and basically told me that if things were going to work out, I would have to be ok with him being "friends" with her.

Well, obviously I am not ok with it or I would not be here either. I dont know a woman in the world that would be ok with that.

But it sounds to me like he either wants written permission to mess around, or something to use against you later.

Trust you r gut feeling. My wife said time and time after we separated that she wanted to get back together and that she loved me very much - got all the emails saved. She cheated on me and I was willing to look past her indiscretions and give it another try. Yet everytime we were to get back together she backed, guess she was only looking for a few extra bucks and some new clothes. I should have known better. Be careful and cover your ass!