Let things rest, do not push her, pursu her, or call her. let her see you making it on your own without her. Let her start to miss you! it woun't be immediate, but it will happen.

Separation involves time away, getting some space and time to think and reflect. Allow her some, being too pushy too early on might make her back away even more.

After some time has past (whatever you think is appropriate) gradually make your presence known again.

I find the urge to constantly be the one to call over whelming at times, but I don't. I only call if there is a reason to.

I just let my H know that I love him, I want our marriage to work, and that I am willing to work out our issues. I do give him his "space". This is working for us, we have an open line for commnunication and I feel we are making progress. We might or might not be a married couple 6 months from now, but we are still friends.

I find if you pursue too much, they either resent you for being too needy or too easily available.

Everyone's situation is different and I hope all works out well for you and your wife.

May God Bless and help you find peace.

1st...seeing as how i am in the midst of my own f'd up deal, i may not be good at advice, but i'm great with my thoughts...so...

i don't understand your therapist saying to pursue her. what does she mean exactly by that? pursue how? phone calls, visits, emails?
did your therapist clarify that?
2nd..since it's your wife that wants the separation, byt definiation, that word means to..."separate"..so again, not understanding the pursue part. some communication is essential. you continuing to let her know you love her, want to work on it, are there for her etc. but have you set limiations? meaning...has your wife said to NOT call, DON'T come visit etc? what are the ground rules or are there even any?

i don't like the idea of playing hard to get. it is exactly what it's called...
playing. your marriage is too important to play with. your relationship with your wife is too important to play with. if it wasn't, her leaving wouldn't be an issue for you, despite your abandonment issues. i think, above all else, total honesty is the key. always it's the key. ask your wife what she would like. and then honestly tell her if that is do-able for you. if there is a chance to reconcile, then she very well may be willing to openly discuss how often you see each other, speack etc.

so..i told you i'm not great on advice, but i've got some great thoughts!

now...if i could just get my own head straight over my ex...life would be so much better.

ps...you are not the only one with abandonment issues honey...not by a long shot!

hope this at least gives you some perspective.

Well, if she's not coming to you, you can't make her. If reconciliation is in the cards, and it sounds as if this is something you definitely want, she has to come to the realization herself. And if that is to happen, it wont be because you called and called and asked for it. Let the natural course run during the apart time and if she wants to return, she knows you're waiting.

if she initiated it, clearly she has reasons. you can't pursue someone that doesn't want to be pursued. it does come off as needy and still nothing gets accomplished but energy wasted from you and anooyance from her

I have been told to let them go and not call, email, text or anything. Make them want you and miss you. Also make them think you don't need them. I have been working on it and it is hard. Good luck to you.

I appreciate all your responses and welcome more.

I've been told by the counselor I've just started going to that I have to give her space and it's going to take a superior effort on my part to do so. i've got 2 small children with her and it's only been a week since we've separated. I'm looking for any answers I can get here.

I am still wondering why your therapists thinks you need to pursue her. Did s/he offer a rationale for this?

I hate to say it, but you probably won't sway her feelings no matter how you play it. Funny how we think we can have any control at all over how someone feels about us. Truth is, she won't be open to reconcilliation unless she wants it. And whether you pursue or not won't make that much difference.

Is "persue" the word he used? I know my counselor told me to act on my feelings of love (we were not yet separated). So I made all my efforts to be affectate, saying I love you, doing all the things I used to. I hadn't been doing that because I was so afraid of reject; and stbx was saying he was lacking affection etc. So the first week I did, my stbx said it was just like the 'old' juli, and he became suspecious of my behavior. But I just kept it up and continued saying how much I loved him, and upped my affection demonstration; but he then start building up walls and became more withdrawn from me. I kept up saying I thought there was hope for us, etc., etc., to the point he said - no, I leaving, and kept repeating that to me over and over with every communication. I've made up my mind, I'm moving out. I really felt because I kept voicing my desire and affection, it tipped him over the edge. He was just to afraid to take a chance again and try (very immature yes, but it is what it is). Partly I think he believes that I'll always be there, because I've said I'd always love him etc. So he'll try it alone, and if it doesn't work for him, I'll still be waiting. As much as I want to be there, I'm not sure he's trustworthy any more. I do believe it was my heavy expression for love and working on this that pushed him out. Maybe not, he never told me, but both myself and the therapist now believe that was probably the case.

I left my marriage with good reasons. I left wanting a divorce but after a while I was reconsidering but I wanted him to beg to get me back and give me reasons why we could work. What would be different? What would he do to make it work for me? He would call every now and then but he didn't WORK to get me back.

Just a thought.

I agree with slrock. :)

Do not beg or plead. It just does not work. I can't follow my own advice.