Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Being Honest and Need Support...

deleted_user
deleted_user
Before you start throwing rocks at me, please read this and TRY to understand before judging me.

I am just beginning going through a divorce from my husband of 8 years. For the past 2 years in our marriage I have received little to no emotional, physical or mental support. I dropped 30 pounds last year because I was so depressed and knew that our marriage was at a stand still. Unfortunately, about 5 months ago, I met someone who gave me the emotional support that I so badly needed and I took it. I WAS WRONG TO DO SO AND I KNOW THAT!

Background: After a lot of counseling and psychotherapy, I have learned that this is not all the fault of myself or my husband...but also of my parents. I am 35 years old and have never been told by my parents "I love you". I have never been given a hug, a kiss on the forehead when I was sick...nothing. I was however given trips to Europe, designer clothes, a car at 16... I now realize that I would have rather been homeless than have had any of those material goods...I just want my parents to tell me they love me. Is this making sense to anyone?

Again, this in not an excuse for what I did, I just want to be able to be on this site to because I need support too! I need the help of others too! I just wanted to be honest with all of you.

Anyway, I married someone like my parents, who doesn't communicate or show any emotion. Beyond this he allows his parents to belittle me on a constant basis without sticking up for me. I try to stick up for myself, but it is just not possible with my mother-in-law.

Is there anyone out there like me? Is there anyone out there that understands this at all? Let me know, please.
LarryLDN
LarryLDN
It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Someone said that recently
LarryLDN
LarryLDN
So you're a BoSox fan? was he a Yankee fan? maybe that had something to do with it
LarryLDN
LarryLDN
other than that, I got nothing. but how about some HUGS? want us all to tell you we love you? Or maybe go look in the mirror and tell that person you love them. That's who really counts most :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Honesty is the best policy and you have as much right to be here as anyone else.

You cheated and it is your responsibility, not your parents. They may have made mistakes in raising you, but you chose to cheat.

Regardless of who cheated on who, you will find that people are accepting here!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I also had a childhood like that, but without the money. I also have in-laws who did not respect the boundaries of our marriage, and a mother-in-law who is Satan.

People who are deprived of affection in childhood are often led into bad relationships by their need for it. Try to see the patterns and stop repeating them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I like Larry. It is not for me to judge your actions as we all have had our own experiences...but clearly, you feel SO guilty about what you did that you seem to be asking to be judged...mistakes happen in life...our ability as human beings to accept that our loved ones have made mistakes and to forgive them is what makes us human...I understand some of what you have been through...There is nothing more gratifying than being with a man, even emotionally, that is available to you. My husband was not there for me...I loved him and was faithful, but when it was over and I moved on, the gratification of a look or a touch was AMAZING...so I understand. You dont know me, but I think that you need to make some decisions about your life...do you love your husband? Do you have children? What do you want out of life? Really think about these things. Had I to do it again, I would not be getting divorced...the grass is not greener on the other side, the grass is the same grass with the same cow dung on it...it is not greener, my friend...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can't agree there. I am not spending the rest of my life with a refrigerator. He can get help, or get lost and find another refrigerator.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with Lizzygirl, the grass is not greener and never was. You said that you will not live with a refrigerator and I both understand and applaud that. What I do not agree with is your saying that he can get help. That puts all the responsibility on him and none upon yourself. I would guess that you were not the most emotionally available person either, so maybe you should both work together on these things. the only thing I do know for certain is that you must have loved one another at one point, so i would suggest finding that once again and beginning anew.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No, if you had bothered to read my profile before offering advice, you would know we have already had counseling, which he walked out of.

Courting behavior is not marital behavior. All the emotional energy in our marriage came from me. When I pulled back to see what was there, the answer was nothing. I am affectionate and demonstrative, he is not. I talk, he does not. I stay and deal, he runs home to mommy. End of story.
LarryLDN
LarryLDN
In 1988 when my daughter was hitting the terrible 2s, I found a book called When Your Child Drives You Crazy, by Eda LeShan

the book helped me come to terms with my own childhood, forgive my parents, they only did what They knew how to do, and that was what helped me become a better parent.

the beauty of 'the eternal now' is that you can always choose at any given Now to throw out your history and start over. Ya may have some physical situation to take care of, but how you think about things is your own choosing.

If you didn't like something, learn from it and vow to never do that again, that way.

Just keep looking forward and not behind. Does the wake drive the boat?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey, how about him...shouldn't he take some responsibility here for the downfall of the relationship. I realize that I made a wrong move and I was trying to say that in my initial message, however, his lack of communication, lack of willingness to try to work on the marriage, go to counseling... is that all my fault too. There are many factors that caused this marriage to fail, my having an affair was only the final one. How about all the functions (x-mas parties, functions) I had to attend alone because he simply didn't want to come. Or the surprise birthday party for me that he didn't feel like coming to (well before an affair...). Emotionally, this man has not been there for me. Just had to get that out there...

I agree that it is my responsibility that I had the affair and not my parents, but what I failed to mention is that they were not there for me as a child and now they are supporting my husband, knowing all that I have been through in the marriage. They are simply justifying the lack of support they have given me emotionally my entire life. I mean what parents would support the spouse and not speak to their own child???

All I know is I am a parent of 2 and I have learned a load from this. I tell my children daily that I love them and I show them with hugs and meaningful conversations. No one is perfect, but supporting our children is a priority in my life. I am different from this experience... stronger, more loving, less judgemental, and happier.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i can relate to not getting the nurturing and emtional fulfillment(sp) as a child. my parents did the best they could with the dysfunction going back generations. and i don't blame them anymore. they loved me the best they could. so now, what i'm doing is trying to build myself up with love and compliments and reassurance that i'm a wonderful person. i'm not going into another relationship until i'm healthy and happy, i won't settle for anything that is gong to bring me down again. no more getting into relationship with unavailable people. people that don't want to put any effort into it. i'd rather be alone, after everything i'm learning on this journey. start there, start to learn to love yourself first. and like you, i tell my adult kids and when they were younger, how much i love them and what they mean to me, how proud i am of them. and they have grown with such confidence and self-esteem. so yes i can relate to some of what your going through. and as for your mistakes, learn from them, as we all do when we make them. it takes to people to make a marriage or relationship work.
LisaACOA
LisaACOA
Hi, My Mother was very emotionally unavailable to all of her 3 daughters. I have more maternal instinct in my little finger than she has in her whole body. My counslor recently suggested getting books on re-parenting yourself. I know it sounds wierd but, I have heard through friends that it works so you might want to give it a try too. I know I am going to give it a try. It really does a number on your self worth if your own Mother doesn't love you. Not all women are made to be Mothers and mine was one of them.
Good Luck to you.

Your friend,

Lisa
abusehurts
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