wow, I looked at his affair as short-cutting me thru the process -- it is easy for me now to see that even if I had cooked 75 more dinners, had sex 210 more times, or vacuumed 56 more times, he still would have been a liar and a porn-addict and a cheat and a thief. Nothing I did was gonna change who he is essentially. So I am glad (in a way) he betrayed me as bad as he did, cuz I don't have to wonder who's the bad guy, it sure as hell ain't me!

You can't have a marriage by yourself.
I tried.

Please be gentle with yourself. You know that you did the best you could, and more than many would have done.

You did the best you could, you couldn't do it all on your own. I think both partners need to be willing to earn their way out of the marriage, willing to try all kinds of things before throwing in the towel. You tried many things, what did he do to improve your marriage? My husband did nothing to improve our marriage, he wanted me to read his mind and do it.
He is really the one with the problem (your husband) he is the one who betrayed your marriage, he made those choices and he already had one foot out the door by the time you found out.
You are an amazing person who has overcome many obstacles and survived and you will survive this too.
I wish too that my husband could have seen all my good qualities instead of focusing on my shortcomings, but I can only take responsibility for me. I tell myself he is the one missing out, and someday he will understand the gravity of his decisions. I was a good wife and a good mother, not perfect at all (but who is) and he knew I loved him what more can a man want. If that is not good enough for him then he should go and find his own way.
Maybe he did you a favor and you will find a beautiful love with someone down the road that will be more than you ever imagined possible. You deserve every happiness and I am sure you will get there. Right now forgive yourself and focus on today, what are you going to do today...one day at a time. What is done is done, you can only forgive and move forward. Remember forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. I have not forgiven my stbx yet, but I have forgiven me and it feels better inside. Hugs to you, hang in there.

My ex-husband was a jerk who cheated not only once but twice the first time with my "best friend", the second with a co-worker. So I know what boat you're in.

The point being there are two things that matter at this point. One: You're still a great Mom to those angels. Two: He CHEATED on you, lied and betrayed you. There is NO way that you could save this with him acting the way that he is.

there is no martyr. i used to think the same, what does whoever doesn't matter think? well, who cares i thought after awhile. i used to just get sick that people would think ill of me, then i realized there is no winner. i used to feel so low when my business was spread by my ex. however, you can be happy. you just have to embrace your new start. don't become overwhelmed - love your children. love yourself and know that you did all that you could - we all do.

Why do you do it? Because you could have. He wants to think that that would have made a difference, because it makes himself feel better. And in a strange way it makes you feel better too, like the two of you had a better chance than you did. It makes you feel better, because you can look back and still dream. And you liked that dream about the past, present and future.
But there are other dreams out there. You did the best you could to make that dream work, but it didn't. If at first you don't sucede, go try again a different way!

you need to stop, look at your post as if it were someone else, what would you tell them. what words of support and encouragement would you give them. but most of all you hung in there and tried. your the strong one. put the punching gloves away. breathe deep and give yourself some credit. your so worth it.

having guilt that you potentially did something wrong in the relationship is part of your process of getting thru this. know its there, accept it, process it, then you can start to move on

Zippid, it is a two way street not a one way street, true story, please do not blame yourself.

I go through the same process. Of course I played a role in her infidelity because she wanted something that she felt I could not provide. It still provides no excuse for her infidelity but I suppose that I'm better off without struggling to convert myself into someome that she could love again. It's been a year and I spent a lot of time working on myself by utilizing the hard lessons from that divorce. At least I'm not treated like a piece of furniture anymore!