I havent slept all night, cant eat, i have a week off work & i cant go anywhere bc i cant afford the petrol, im struggling badly with my mortgage since my ex fiance left, i bought my house myself 3 yrs ago but we didnt have a credit crunch then so i managed plus my ex moved in with me & rented his home out so he helped me olot. We split in october bc he had a drug problem, his leaving was to sort himself out so we could be happy together, we stayed in touch every day but december i found out he was with his ex gf, i was hearbroken, he wouldnt answer my calls or texts so i stopped contact, he then started to ring me around xmas but i didnt answer the calls, it was a withheld number but i know it was him bc i answered once & i heard him talking to someone then he hung up. Dec 26th id had a few drinks, sent him stupid txts that i regret & got no reply so i decided no more contact, he stopped taking cocaine at xmas & has been clean since but i still just got on with my life even though its been a rollercoaster. Last week the withheld calls started again, i didnt answer but i know its him, it set my emotions off worse than before, on valentines day his gf put a huge announcement in our local paper saying how happy they are (that was for my benefit) i know he wouldnt have liked his name in big letters in the local paper but it was to prove that he,s got clean for her & not me, it was meant to hurt & it did. Yesterday bc i was so hurt i txt him just to ask if he will come pick up the rest of his stuff that is left, i done it for a reaction bc i was feeling so hurt but he didnt reply, it was a stupid thing to do bc i knew he wouldnt reply & its the rejection all over again. I dont think the calls from him are to talk to me, they are to see if iv changed my number or to see if a male answers. Im back to the feelings i had when it first happened. I cant afford to change my number & i cant block withheld numbers bc my daughters school is a withheld number which i cant block. There is a years waiting list to speak to a therapist & iv been taking antidepressants since october. I read some threads on DS about some of you still hurt & still having a hard time after a year or two after breaking up. I cant take years of feeling like this, i dont talk to family or friends bc they think i should have moved on by now & think i should just forget him bc he used drugs. I WISH. it isnt that simple. iv never experienced a breakup like this before, im usually very strong so why am i falling apart. I just want to feel happy again.
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