Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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are we doing this to ourselves?

keepthehope
keepthehope
I am tired be told by my wife that I am doing this all to myslef. I am the one who wants to feel mieserable, I want to feel bad and that I am stopping myself in having a good life. What the hell????
Yes I am coping, yes it is hard emotionally but I am not the one who is influencing it. I tell her you don't know because you are not going through it, you are not in my shoes so you can't say that I can be so upbeat and positive that my life has a huge impact change. Its always to be upbeat and positive when you are not the one hurt. I can't believe she give me that sh*t. These people who inflict the pain and carry on as if the world is right, have no idea what they are talking about. They are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't see how truly their partner is hurting and mourning about a life that meant so much to them. I sent a meesege to a friend yesterday about how I thought my wife had changed and how I knew that I had changed in the experience as well. So I started thinking maybe she didn't change and she had been this way the whole time and I didn't truly see how she was in this whole marriage until I woke up in my change. This is something I need to think about a little more go back in my past and see if the behaviors she has now was in the past as well and I just didn't see it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
EZ for them to say if they stayed in the shared house, got most of the time with the kids, inflicted rule of first strike, have a significant other already to be with, etc...
deleted_user
deleted_user
What a cruel and horrible thing, but I'll point out the obvious here, she likes to keep you in a low, miserable place. As long as you stay there, she has power over you. Start doing for yourself. Even if you have to pretend, start acting like it don't bother you, like her words don't bother you, she'll likely get more pissed, but that's because she's losing the control and she knows it. She;ll either stop and realize what the hell she's doing, or she'll go "pick on" someone else.
deleted_user
deleted_user
She does not want to feel guilty about causing you this pain, so she is trying to convince you that you've brought it on yourself, that you are 'choosing' it. This may be true if it continues for years on end, and you get some kind of payoff... but you were the one who was broadsided with no warning.

She obviously wasn't surprised, she planned this, and dealt with all her feelings (if she has any) before she trashed you and your marriage.

Take the time you need, get help if you must to work through the grief, but remember, in no way did you bring this on yourself.
deleted_user
deleted_user
almost verbatim of what my ex told me one day in July. Just get over it already. you seem like someone's died. Yes, my marriage of 11 years is over, am I supposed to throw a fricken party? believe me, though I never believed it, but it DOES GET BETTER! with of course time
deleted_user
deleted_user
My X said the same thing-"Be happy-move on-if you can't that is on you not me" I lost my marriage, my home, I had no car, no money, and I was stuck with all the bills-He moved to a lake front home, had a fifty thousand dollar boat, traveled the nation chasing his dream, was in the ephoria of a new realtionship two weeks after he left me-Yeah if I was him I would be happy too.I was mourning the loss of my husband, the loss of my home , financial destruction, a devastated child, and the loss of all my hopes and dreams. Happy- maybe someday-but until everyday of my life is not faced with the aftermath of my marriage-the happy he has been blessed with is far away
julik
julik
Yes, I am amazed now when I now look at our marriage with a bit more of objective eyes, instead of in-love eyes. Things look mighty different. It is amazing how much we overlook peoples shortcoming when we love them... but then, that is what love is about isn't it. Too bad, so sad :(
deleted_user
deleted_user
I feel the same way. He is the one you chose to move out. That said he didn't want to be married. That he is a better doctor than husband or father. But I am left here with my same life, taking care of our children, trying to understand. My counselor does help me see more clearly that this is about him, not ME. But it is hard at 3am to keep those demons at bay.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Keep, just remember, continue to think "positive." SHE is the one that turned YOUR LIFE inside out, upside down. SHE is the reason that you are going through all of this. DO NOT LET HER LAY THE GUILT, NOR BLAME ALL ON YOU. It is HER fault too. It takes TWO to make it & TWO to break it, but ONE can NOT hold it together!~! YOU have come a LONG way & I'm VERY proud of you!~! You are on the road to healing. It WILL get easier, I PROMISE!~! "Keep Your Chin UP!~!"
deleted_user
deleted_user
She wants you to be happy so she does not have to feel guilty. She has already worked through all the feelings before YOU even knew it was over. It takes time, and no, you are not at fault for feeling the greif. It is something that you need to work through and it cannot be rushed. You tried to do everything you could and she didn't, so it is NOT your fault.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i know what you re saying. my stbx is still living here, crawls into same bed at night, and is carrying on like everythings fine. and says hes grown already and is becoming the person he wants to be and not someone , someone made him. he is way out of line and into himself. thats what i think cause i am still in the angry , bitter, sad, stages. growth is supposed to come later , RIGHT?
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