Just wondering if anyone out there truly gave it to God? Did you say 'take it' 'it is too big for me to figure out' Just a few days after I found out, I found myself on my knees, praying, sobbing out of control, begging God to take it from me! I had always believed in God, went to church on and off all my life, never any true commitment, I prayed mostly when I needed something but then never understood why I didn't get the result I wanted. Just basic existence with God as a back up for emergencies. I can remember coming to my feet and while the 'situation' was not gone, my H had still cheated, he was still gone and the pain was still there, it was bearable. I truly believe had I not forgiven him I may have killed him! I sincerely believe this homeroom mom, cupcake baking mother of the year was about to go over the edge and God reached down and snatched me out of it! I have learned how to truly 'BE STILL' in all this, be patient, be calm and allow God to show me the answers for my life. Of course, I have bad days, but for the most part I am going through life same as I was the day before I found out. My children have not seen their mother break down, I have not turned to another man to help me figure out who I am, I am not on any anti-depressants, I don't drink, I still have a good relationship with my in laws, My H came and spent the night with his children on Christmas Eve, didn't bother me at all, made my daughters extremely happy, that's all that matters after all. I can see him, talk to him, be around him and it is 'bearable' My H made a HUGE mistake, and yet so often I remember how blessed I am that my 'STORM' is an affair, there are so many suffering from such greater pain and loss. Honestly, I don't know if we are finished, it is very confusing. Even in God's eyes I am free to divorce my H due to adultery, I am also to forgive him and I have. There is only one problem now, it has been so long, so much time has gone by, I do not miss my H or feel like I am in love with him. Did God take the feelings to heal the pain? Did I love him so deeply, it was all God could do? Is it God's way of showing my H, you must change in order to ever have this woman back? I am not the same woman he left, we are not the same family. The affair is over, the OW gone, it is no longer about the 'affair' it is about the 'marriage and family' to be restored. My H never raised a hand to me, never drank other than an occasional social drink, never any drugs, never raised his voice to me, and provided a good living for us, I was so blessed for all of that, but he did not respect me nor his children, he ignored us, and in his own sad way thought he was doing the best by providing for us, working all the time. The affair, while horribly painful was in fact a reality check, if you are not spending any time together, there will be someone there to fill in!!! If there are cracks someone or something WILL walk in! It is a vicious world out there and if we do not take the time to pray for one another, pray for our loved ones, ask for protection against all evil and have the strength to stand up to it, when 'it' comes to you, we can walk away from it. It is truly an incredible task to be the spouses we promised to be in the eyes of God, and even if you do believe in God, you probably said pretty much the same vows we all did and in God's house. And so often we leave God right there at the alter! I don't feel like my story is completely done yet, I don't know that that means a miraculous reconciliation or if it will simply be a tolerable situation and in the end will simply be friends. "STILLNESS" is by far my hardest accomplishment in life. I wish you all well.
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