I know I'm not perfect, but I don't think I could have done anything to prevent this. My STBX just changed and didn't seem to care anymore. She went from a loving caring wife, to a uncaaring, selfish person that I didn't recognize. She made a choice, I didn't twist her arm. I devoted myself to her, but apparently that wasn't enough.

I feel the same way a lot of the time, yes, I have my faults, but alot of the bahaviors and changes in me were caused by his behaviors and changes. While, I am sure that maybe it is still too soon for me to look at myself objectively, I may be still blaming everything on him to keep from having to take a long hard look at what I have done to lead to the dissillusion of our marriage.

i think that i had a lot to do with it, but i have only very recently come to accept this. i thought i was trying to help, but didn't. was angry and unfilled a lot. this is not excusing stbx's very bad behaviour. just something that i want to ensure i don't do again.

Joe & others, what you could have not seen is why you got married in the first place. Often times we're so blinded by the love of the other, or wanting to "please" them beyond their own scope of accepting your gifts of love that we're blinded by the fact that the person was ALL wrong for us to start with. That's typically where you can place blame on, at least for me. I kind of knew what I was getting myself into, looking back, but I didn't care cuz I thought I loved this woman enough, I could poss. (help) her out of her craziness. Boy was I ever wrong. Almost made me nuts.

there were things i couldn't see until i started counseling.

I blame myself all the time!!It eats me alive-and even tell myself he was not that bad of a guy-and it was all my fault.I know I made mistakes-but I also know no one deserves to be treated like I was-that is when I am rational-when I am emotional-I feel like I could have just made the best out of a bad situation-things would have been okay-I would have lost my soul in the process -but at least my daughter would not have lost her home-Taking blame often gives us power over a situation we have no control over-

Jungle Joe, I also know I'm not perfect. I'm finding out how perfectly naive I am and was. Here's a past journal entry of mine lamenting about the same thing you now question. BTW, my stbx had an affair and also assaulted me so I fell relatively justified in thinking this divorce was pretty much his fault.

October 25, 2007

Just now sitting here staring at this frigging computer, I hurt. I hurt for myself and for my friends and for all the DS ships that passed this way in the night. Jut now, I'm suddenly angry. I thought that emotion was in check. I'm angry that we have been hurt...many of us without any provocation. I'm angry at the threads that say "Examine your part in the destruction of your marriage" I am angry that it is assumed that just one person in that relationship could not have been the primary catalyst for evil and betrayal.

And, yet here we sit and analyze the crap out of ourselves... question our communication skills...doubt our worthiness as attractive, desirable mates. I am challenged to look for a healthy relationship in the future. To learn how to build trust and friendship and leave desire on hold until I am healthy enough to handle it responsibly. I know that is the right way to proceed. But, it seems I have been on hold for a very, very long time! That makes me very angry, for me and for all the others like me.

I'm not back sliding. I will recover my humor and joy. I will not give in to recklessness and shallow diversions. But right now, I'm just looking at the place on the road where I am standing. I do not like standing here by myself. I do not like it one bit.

In MY eyes I did nothing to warrant a divorce, but I guess I wasn't good enough for the husband to stay married to me. We did marry young, but he showed me that he loved me and couldnt live without me for 12 years. Then all of a sudden, he doesn't. I guess I was too boring for him. I dunno. We ahouldn't beat ourselves up over what our spouses did, but it's only natural to go thinking about why and what you did wrong.

JTGPP, you are completely right! At least for me, I thought from the beginning that I could "help" him, I could "make him better". I saw this person that only existed in my minds eye.

I think what Mary Arlene said makes sense-My changes and behaviors stemmed from the way he acted and treated me-Yeah I made some really bad decisions and gave up in the end-But I remeber he used to tell he he could not be kind and affectinate if I could not be positive like I was when we first got together. I could not be positive and happy after months and then years of being controlled, ignored, critisized and demeaned.I tried for years to cope,change, and fix what he deamed as my shortcommings and he did nothing to change his issues and behaviors-

Look back at my post "Note from a Friend" it may give you some insight!

Hang in there

For GD sure I did nothing at all to deserve the way I was left and the mess I was left with -- stbx runs off with friend/employee, my small business is suddenly down two key employees overnight, my workload triples, my emotions runneth over, my whole lifestyle (and commute!) changes overnight -- no matter what I did during the marriage, none of what I did ever even rose anywhere near the level of betrayal and selfishness that was displayed by those two. And, in retropsect, had I been more improved in teh areas I could have improved in, I don't think it would made a bit of difference based on the things that he was and is capable of. I never lied to him, cheated on him, masturbated everyday to the computer while he was in teh other room, told his secrets to an employee then started screwing that married employee, left the finances to ruin, nah, I could never acheive his lows. Yes, I failed to cook dinner as often as I should have. Yes, i could have vacuumed more. Oh, and I could have let him have his married OW and let her keep her job, that he says was the least I could have done rather thatn "ruin his life" like he said I did.

I sense that I am "bitter" today, lol.

I know what I did, or more importantly... what I didn't do. I didn't give him enough "feedback". I didn't pat him on the back and stroke his ego enough so that his self-esteem would be higher which would have prevented his insecurities from dictating his controlling, bullying bahavior. I didn't congratulate him for the role he was "attempting" to portray as the "man of the house" and the "head of the family". It shouldn't have mattered that he didn't actually fill those shoes. And most of all, I didn't stand up for myself and be assertive when he disrespected me, manipulated me, belittled me, humiliated me in public... or when he did those same things to the children. I let it go on for 9 years. Those were my faults. That's what I didn't do. I was a coward. I withdrew and hid... until last March when I finally stood up for myself and kicked the bully out!

When I met my X-I was on top of the world-Healthy, fit, independent, happy-Whithin six months he dismantled me( To pump his own self esteem)and then he started in on my daughter.I don't think I let him treat me the way I thought I deserved to be treated-I think that was part of my struggle-I knew i deserved more.

I bear responsibility for some of the problems in my marriage. I accepted my faults and changed the ones I needed to change. The divorce was not a result of my choices or her choices and the things that went wrong or the things that went right in our marriage. The truth is, we grew apart. No, I don't think that is true either. I believe that we each changed ourselves to be what we thought the other person wanted at the beginning of the relationship ... as we returned to our true selves as time went by in the marriage, it became apparent that what I wanted in the relationship and what she wanted were not in harmony and there was no way to bring them into harmony. I don't blame myself and I don't blame her. She wasn't happy and I wasn't happy ... I loved her and wanted to work things out. She says that she loved me but she did NOT want to work things out. I still have work to do on myself to get to a point where I can have another serious relationship ... but I know that I DO want to be married again. This time, I will talk about goals and what we each want before taking the plunge and getting married.