Please don't even think about suicide. I know it seems unbearable sometimes - I've been there too. But life does keep moving and inch by inch you're going to pull out of this and you're going to make it. You did what you could, even going to counseling by yourself. Start looking out for yourself and please look to others around you for friendship and support. You really will be happy again. One day you'll take a deep breath for the first time in forever and you'll realize that you're on the road to recovery. Find yourself. Don't let her keep this power over you. You have such a life to live. Hugs to you. I have felt that kind of pain and I know how awful and overwhelming it is. You will make it through.

It gets better but it takes time. I can look back at my journals from March to today and see the red and oranges slowly fade to more and more yellows and greens. DS was a lifeline and helped keep me ok even at the worst of this, so I hope it helps you, too. You've probably heard this before, but you fix this by working on yourself. She won't want you back or regret leaving unless she starts seeing a happy confident you. You can't get her back or move on successfully unless you are a happy, confident you. You've got to pull yourself together and focus on yourself either way. It's really hard to do but you have to do what you have to do. Suicide is the surest way to become a memory and living is the surest way to NOT become a memory.

I was in your wife's shoes. I asked him to leave and I filed for divorce. The night he left, he tried to kill himself. Given our story there was so much more to it than just my telling him to go. That being said, to this day the fact that I had something to do with his trying to take his own life haunts me. Not just me, but all of our family and friends who were affected by his attempt. I know that you are hurt and lonely and in deep dispair, but is killing yourself really the answer? Maybe it will affect your wife, maybe not...only she knows the answer to that. Who it will absolutely affect are your family, friends, and students who will always be burdened with the thoughts of what they could have looked for/done to help you through this. Suicide affects everyone around you.

Please know that while I am the one who initiated the divorce, my husband is the one who made that choice for me by what he did. I have felt dispair, I have felt lonliness, and I know what it is like to look in the mirror and wonder what was wrong with me that things could have gone this way. More importantly, I am here to tell you that it DOES get better, it DOES feel less lonely, and the dispair DOES dissipate after time. It has been a little over 11 months since the begining of my ordeal, and it IS better.

Hugs to you.

Ending you life will not help you. The pain is terrible--it rips you open and you feel you cannot get the bleeding to stop. Just hold onto yourself--be still and be quiet--this too shall pass. I don't know what is in store for me tomorrow, even if I will have a place to live--but I will survive. When I start feeling like you are feeling I start doing something--I don't want to but I force myself. there are only two pains in life

The pain of discipline
and the
pain of regret

It is difficult to see past the pain of regret--I know as I am on that road right now. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other--removing myself from this world would only hurt people that I do love and that love me. I cannot do that to them.

I am right where you are now. I have asked my Doc for help and am now taking meds, which are helping. Like you, I too want my lover and best friend back. I just don't want to let so much distance come between us that we forget each other completely. I just couldn't bare that...I just couldn't.

Yes I have! I know too well what you mean. Some days I had to search...high and low..for a reason...no matter how "silly" to go on..and you know what? I'm so damn glad I did!

Some days the reasons are small...tiny...almost microscopic..and some days they are HUGE!

I'm a city girl....a real city girl..born in NYC...lived many years in Chicago area (now transplanted to the Front Range of the Rocky's)..this week alone...I was able to see t he "butt end" of a bear...loping off on a mountain road...AND OMG a Bald Eagle!...yup sounds silly! Take the moments you are given and give great thanks for them!

I chose LIFE, there are down moments, remember this.

LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE...BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!

First thing to do is go see your doctor and get a script for some anti-depressants (as bellybel says, they DO help).
And stick around on this board. A LOT. Seriously, this board was a lifeline for me. Good people here, very, very good people.

I've said this many time here on DS, we are not responsible for what thoughs enter our minds. We ARE RESPONSIBLE with what we do with them after they arrive. You just have to chant NO, NO, NO until you drown the bad thoughts. If you just don't do something stupid, you will get to the other side where the sun is shinning all the time.

If/when thoughts, even fleeting thoughts, of suicide occur...don't delay getting medical help...please...and if necessary, go to the ER. The life you save may be your own...and by getting help, you will eventually be able to help others...especially your students who most probably idolize you. It hurts...it hurts bad. When you post your please for help and encouragement here, you are not judged and, in fact, you are very clearly understood. We are all going thru the most painful gut-wrenching events in our lives. Keep reading...keep writing...keep reaching out for input and understanding. One day at a time....just take one day at a time and stay busy, busy, busy and...do ONE nice thing for someone today, and everyday. Sometimes when we look around us, there really is someone who needs YOUR help...if only you will open your eyes. By helping someone else in some small way, we are helping ourself twofold. HUGSSSSS.

Dear Teach...I was there just yesterday. I hid in the basement, didn't know where to turn. I cried and cried, I felt I can't handle this pain...cried out to GOD..."why?"...believe it or not, after a good hard cry, I felt better...at least to move from where I was at both physically and mentally. I put one foot in front of the other...and then this morning, I knew it was going to be a better day, no reason why, maybe because I cried. Maybe my prayer was answered because I did see the next day. Keep coming to this site everyday...so many words of wisdom. We all get down, really really down...then we slowly turn and get up...you can too! YOU CAN TOO! HUGS!

It is my view that the only conclusion a spouse is likely to draw from a suicide is that they were right to leave you in the first place.

I see you lost a brother as well. You are in deep grief. The pain feels like it is burning you alive. But it will get better.

Get medicine, do whatever you have to do to get you over the hump. You will pass through the fire.

Is it thoughts of suicide or thoughts of "not wanting to live i.e. be alive, go on anymore"?

To me; thoughts of suicide are actual plans on how you are to kill yourself.

I had many, many times, moments, minutes and days that I didn't want to go on. Didn't care if a semi hit me head on. But I never planned on driving into one.

I can't say that I, as in myself, pulled myself out of this phase of my depression, but I had a whole lot of support around me that did help.

Shall I count them all, because the list would go on. DS is the first place I'd start.

You are right where you should be. First and foremost.

EVERYONE here has felt this and has been where you are at right now....

What I did for myself was opened up and shared. I allowed myself to stay open for the advice that was given to me. I, even if it was blindly, listened and believed. I took it one second, or minute at a time.

This too shall pass. Believe in that. Say it over and over and over if you must.

I am not where I want to be yet, but I have come a long way from where you are right now, and that alone IS A FREAKING MIRACLE. If I was entitled to a miracle, you certainly are to.

Stay strong my friend, a day, an hour, a minute or a second at a time. Whatever it takes.

Wishing you love & strength....

Many of go to the edge of the abyss and wonder what the hell are we doing here. Just step of and be done with all the self doubt and pain. Here is the thing you cash out and any one who ever gave a flying shit about you is going to be hurt if not worse. That is on you for all eternity, you take yourself out, there is no way out. Remember stupid is forever, and your not stupid. You have family and friends who love you and care about you. You need to get some help, what ever you are getting right now is not cutting it. I have been where you are and you can make it back you just have to want it, get your finger out of your ass and just do it. We are all here for you Teach.

If it helps any I am there right now. The only thing that keeps me from going all the way is my 3 children. I feel like I'm falling apart. He was the glue that kept me together and he left like we were nothing. I wake up crying, go to bed crying, break out crying at work, in the car, and I can't control it.

I am so sorry you are in this much pain. We have all been there at one time or another. You definately are in the right place. You will get so much love and support here. Please send me a message if you would like to talk. I am here for you. Hang in there, you will be okay. GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU SAFE.

Love and Hugs,

Lisa
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