To let you know, over the years there is something fascinating I've discoved about menand how and why they stay connected to one womanand choose to create a great relationship filledwith love and affection- It's NOT because of all the talking that somewomen worry needs to take place between them anda man. And it's not because a man "figures it out" and changes his ways. I've discovered that there is ONE THING a man MUST FEEL for him to WANT to commit to you for a real relationship that will last through the upsand downs that of course come up. If a man feels this one thing, then everythingelse such as his many excuses or reasons he has been holding on to about why he's not "ready" willsimply fall away. And this one thing is the magic feeling called ATTRACTION. Im not talking about shallow Physical Attraction here. Im talking about something that goes WAY DEEPER and is more powerful when a man feels it. This deeper kind of attraction will make you absolutely IRRESISTIBLE to a man, and make him WANT to commit to you and only you because he hasto have you all for himself. When you create this kind of attraction inside a man, it can mean the difference between constant STRUGGLLING to get what you want and need in yourrelationship... Or having a kind of effortless "flow" of love and affection in your relationship, where everything just WORKS. What youll learn is so powerful and eye-opening, itll completely change the way you see men, dating, and relationships. And if you apply everything Im going to show you, I know that youll start seeing immediate POSITIVE RESULTS in your love life. So let's get started... Check out this great question I got froma reader about getting back with her ex. It's a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men. >>> Question From A Reader: Dear Christian, I'm sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he's dating someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants) But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he's dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her. Please help! Sincerely, Needy and Hopeless >>>My Response: Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here. Let's look at a few of them.... The first important issue is that you're ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you. Please don't be naive... Wake up! Realize what's going on here. If he's dating someone else, you've got to start moving on. He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to get back together. If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize that he's not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him. This doesn't mean you should to go out and try to date right now, but you need to take your mind off him. This is hard for a woman when you still have feelings for him.... but you're setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment. Yeah, I've seen couples get back together like this... but the odds are things don't look good for this old relationship. The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you'll be. Trust me. I know doing this is tough, but you've got to. You're also making a lot of assumptions about his feelings when you say "he has very big feelings for me" when you know he's dating someone else. Thinking about this only keeps you stuck on him and his feelings. If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you'll see that his "feelings" are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort. He's already dating another woman. That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his "feelings" TRULY are. Here's what I want you to do first and foremost.... Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF. Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions. Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you know he's not committed to sharing his love with you. If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect.... Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two women who both want his affection. He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation. Until then.... For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's dating another woman. HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER: ****Never allow men who have "someone else" in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.**** It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all. When a man can have the affection of two women, and he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible! Not all men would do this, but men who are "unavailable", as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple initimate situations at once. You don't want to date a man that's in this place in his life..... and I know because I've been this guy in my past! NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel. You can't change a man's emotional depth and where he's at in his life. "Getting him back" is a bad idea. Rarely does this give you what you think you want. It's a losing battle, and you're going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he's creating. If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You're going against the odds. Don't be "that girl". And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can "convince" him to come back to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other "gifts" to bribe him. I've watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times. The reality is... it just doesn't work. Instead, you should think about the times you've broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a relationship. Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back. Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two apart now. And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you... Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure it out, while he's off doing god knows what with other women, there's going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior. It doesn't make "sense", but that's how it WORKS. THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND IDENTIFYING A GOOD MAN FROM AN "UNAVAILABLE" ONE You've got to learn to understand and identify "EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE" men. If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's got. This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the situation. And even when it isn't completely true, it's a good rule to go by. A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his "Emotional Truth". If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that. But I see women do it all the time. The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle (or even direct) signs that he's not "available" or interested in something "serious", but the woman ignores them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes being with her when they're together. In other words, she substitutes the physical connection, or even the occasional emotional connection, for the real relationship she wants to be in. Big mistake. Men have a different "love equation" from women. Here it is, so pay attention- A strong CONNECTION does NOT equal a RELATIONSHIP. In fact, a strong connection doesn't even oftenmean a man is interested in any kind of relationship. A man can and will simply enjoy what he feelswhen he's around you... and think nothing more ofit. (Unless he starts FEELING something more withyou) That's why it's CRITICAL that women learn to read the signals that a man sends about where he's at... and to know how to create the situations with a man that will start the feelings inside him that tell him you are "relationship material." I'm sure you already know that a man isn't just going to call you up and lay it all out there for you with how he's feeling and exactlywhat he wants from what you have. If you're waiting around and hoping or expecting a man to finally "get it together" and start talking and sharing his feelings with you in this way when you're not even in a relationship, then you could be waiting a VERY long time. If you find a man who does do this, please write me an email, tell me all about it, and give me his mailing address so I can send him his prize. When a guy isn't interested in a relationship, and he's doing something like seeing other women,things usually go from bad to worse for most women not only because the situation sucks andit feels so bad... But because they become their own worst enemiesand start doing all the wrong things that only make things worse. Here's what most women start doing that makes things go from bad to worse... First they start trying to communicate with the man more as they try and "fix" things. Or more to the point, the try and "fix" the guy. And then comes the next round of things thatonly make a man want to pull away more- The CONVINCING behaviors start. These include trying to convince a man that you are the right one for him with YOUR WORDS... andtrying to explain that because you share such a great connection that you and he in a committed relationship is the only right choice- or else he'scrazy or messed up or doesn't get it. Now, I know it sounds strange and bizarre thata man would have a great connection with a womanand NOT WANT to explore it more and grow what itis into something even better in a relationship. Which begs the question- Why would a man have a great woman and share a great connection with her that felt amazing, and then not want more of it in a great relationship? I'll get to that later... The thing I'm worried about here for you is that in trying to get your guy back, you're making a lot of the mistakes that not only don't work todraw a man back to you... But they actually push a man away and completelyturn him off to even the thought of spending much time with you. I'm talking about the "fixing" and the "pleading"and the "convincing." These things are like "man-repellent". Here's the deal... You can't CONVINCE a man to want to be with you. If a man isn't FEELING it for you to the pointthat he is already open and wanting for himselfof the thing you're trying to convince him of... Then NO AMOUNT of whining, pleading, convincing,crying, reasoning or begging is going to change his mind or make him feel differently. That's just not how it works. I don't know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes. Especially when it's combined with him not "knowing what he wants". This is CLASSIC man-speak for "I'm not emotionally available or conscious of what I want,and therefore and I'm not ready for a real relationship like the one you want." If only he had the insight into himself andwhere he was at to tell you this himself. When he can't get in touch with his feelings and isn't open to exploring them, it's a textbook case of unavailability. I don't mean that he can't share feelings or some level of intimacy with you.... In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling "pressure" around you. But your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially the right guy and ready for a long term relationship. I'm sure you've seen this since you've been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he's not ready for. In his own way he's tried to tell you this several times. Here's what he's saying: Yes, I have "feelings" for you. And no... that doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be committed and faithful. Take some time to think about the past with your ex, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future. If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't think he'll fit well into that based on his ACTIONS. Here's a quick tip that never fails with men- A man's ACTIONS say more about how he really feels than anything else. And not just his loving actions with you, but his distant and "uncertain" ones too. Do NOT make the mistake of fitting yourself into a pair of rose colored glasses and only choosing to look at and see the positive or lovingthings a man does because you're secretly dying for proof that he really does want you. This won't help you, or what could turn intoa real relationship. Put more value on his actions, not his words. Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to do or see with your ex. Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve. The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you'll be. And I think you'll be amazed at the results. First, I think you'll just plain old feel better. But even better than that, you'll be breaking the old connection that you had with your "x". And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking out of your old connection is actually the thing that's going to change the situation for you the most and help get you the results you want. Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him back, even when he's with another woman, is making you come off in all kinds of ways that men just don't respond well to. I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and keep the connection alive. But the truth is that you're just keeping this same old situation alive by draining your time and attention and energy into it. Instead, here's what you need to do: Step back and stop chasing him and trying to convince him you're the right woman. Once you do this, you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be ATTRACTIVE to him- You first leave a space that he'll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the way you used to. Men love "new" things and curiosities. Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space he's tried asking you for in his retarded emotioanally unavailable "man-speak". Something funny happens when a man gets the space he asked for- If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal with himself and his own feelings to figure out all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful of "committing to", etc. And being by himself, he'll see that these things are really just in his own mind - and not bad things about YOU. In other words - he won't keep taking all the old "stuff" from the past that wasn't working and keep identifying it with YOU. But you've got to know the way to "re-wire" the connection once you've broken the old one. And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll come calling wondering about you.