Ok, we have not told anyone b/c we don't want to ruin anyone's christmas and we won't file until after taxes(just makes it easier).

We have discussed what we want and we are getting the papers signing them and dividing our things without lawyers.

It is all very amicable, he understands I want certain things and he wants others. My money will be mine and his will be his and his student loans are his problem(if I had loans of any kind the same would apply to me but I don't).

For us amicable is saying me saying well I'll move out b/c we live so close to your work and him saying you take the master bedroom furniture you were the one who wanted it, then I say you love the lap top keep it, I'll take the other computer and so on.

Your lawyer should be able to tell you what is more or less standard for your state. Asking for a lot more leads to a fight, asking for less is giving up. Best coarse to keep it peaceful is to ask for a little more than what would be standard then settling for standard. In your case that sounds like asking for 55/45 and alimony, then settling for 50/50 and alimony. And don't get hung up on who gets which pieces of furnature. If you're moving the funature might not fit into a new place anyway.

Jouney,
It is a lot easier and cheaper if you can work things out amicably. Read some of my journal and you will see what I mean. My STBX and I are only using one lawyer (MINE!) and we worked out the settlement and took it to the lawyer to write it all up. As of last week I have paid a total of a little over $1000 in legal fees and there should not be a whole lot more before we are finished (after new year for tax reasons. Basically the settlement is:

Custody of the kids: They are primarily with her, I have them Tuesdays Thursdays and every other weekend. In addition, I pay $215 a week in Child support.

Settlement: She waived spousal support, since she cheated and wanted to end the marriage. She aske for the smaller of my 2 401K plans, (she could have gotten half of both). She will get half of whatever we clear off the sale of the house. And she has pretty much taken what furniture and personal property she wanted. Oh yeah she got the Dodge caravan too, I got the Dodge Neon and got to keep my 72 mustang.

Oh I got the 3 cats and the Dog.

It has gone very well so far and I will feel better once everything is finalized. Once finalized the worst she can do to me is go for more child support.

I'm also trying to go the amicable route. My stbx feels guilty so I plan to use that to my benefit due to the cheating and I really made an honest effort at the relationship. How do you keep things calm for so long? Is it best to have the papers signed ASAP even though there's a waiting period (60 days in my case)? I'm worried his guilt will only last so long.

I went to 3 sessions of a divorce group. Those people scared the snot out of me. 2-3 year Divorces!!! Why??? Because of arguing over One or Two Items!!!

They were talking about $40K plus in Attorneys Fees...and laughing :-/ Excuse me, I found that disgusting. I sure hope that what they were fighting over was really Worth ALL THAT.

First, let me say that STBX is on notice. He messes with me and I am totally prepared to go Nuclear. He knows this. I have nothing left to lose, he has Everything to Lose.

We owned 2 businesses, a stupid Dragster and a monster house. An attorneys Wet Dream. My first few quotes were $20K to start the divorce...just my side of it.

I was bitter, but not STUPID. I suggested Mediation to keep from destroying Everything. We sat down, before going in, and Calmly talked. He made an offer that was beyond what I expected...I could live with it and figured that He would be MOST LIKELY to Honor what HE Offered.

The Mediator said that I was getting screwed and will live to regret this. I have been discouraged from this agreement at every meeting and I just don't Care. It makes Sense to ME. I KNOW this man. He can choose NOT to pay This just as easily as NOT to pay a much higher amount.

I will get about 20%. That is plenty. It will be tax free, to me. I am happy with this. I don't see how there can be Any hard feelings. He gets the businesses and everything remains INTACT.

When I moved, I sorted through the kitchen, made Sure that he got the Dishes that He liked to use-cookware, his favorite knives...you name it. Left him with the towels for the bathroom...I didn't clean the house out of what He needed to stay there. I seperated our music and movies. Then someone packed HIS BOX-daughter is taking them to him when she goes home next week ;-)

He bought me a brand new washing machine for My new place.

This is the way that I HAVE to do things. I HAVE to be able to live with myself.

I will NOT be the one to start a pissing match. I have my own life to pour energy into.

Settlement Details-He gets full control of both businesses and his dragster. IF our house ever sells, I gent any proceeds...yeah, right...I got a small upfront settlement and 11 years of alimony (which has the business buyout included in the formula). He pays my Truck payments, all debt from marriage, my health insurance and all legal expenses.

I left because my ex was irresponsible, so we didn't have anything.
He did try to get me to take on some of his debt, and I refused.
Other than a few e-mails, we've agreed on how to do things. I'll get my final decree any day now.

We had a marriage contract in place because of the messy year prior to my PROVING he had OW... so not counting that, my lawyer fees totalled $10,040...

I got the land... we had recently bought 6 acres in Nova Scotia... he has never set foot on it!!! And never will if I have anything to say about it!!! He got the house, most of the furniture, the vacation homes, and we each took one car. I got full custody, he pays child support and spousal support for up to 10 years (we were together 16 years). I got 1/2 of his company... I helped him by keeping the books, and by being supportive.

We agreed not to touch pensions, as they would be close anyway. Only his work in Canada counts, so I worked less time, but had higher pay, and he worked longer, but at less pay. That way we avoided the expense of actuaries... He kept his RRSP, and I kept mine, but the after-tax values went into the equations.

I guilted him into agreeing to include an amount for 'reckless depletion' (albeit about 1/2 of what I think he truly spent). My lawyer laughed, said we were making up our own laws...

He had credit cards and lines-of-credit that I (supposedly) didn't know about, and they were completely maxed out, having been jet-setting around Europe and N America with the OW... So I proposed that we take personal debt out of the equation... he readily agreed to this, because then he didn't have to show me all his statements, and explain everything... it benefited me because I only had 2 small cards that I used for family vacations or house repairs etc... so I took about $12K in debt, whereas I would estimate his to have been more in the neighbourhood of $80K...

So, we certainly didn't have a traditional approach, but it works for us.

I would have hated to have seen the lawyer bill if we were not having an 'amicable' divorce.

ok, here's a dilema we are already facing...he wants to freeze the equity in the house the day i move out (IF i do) BUT when he sells the house, and the equity is less than what it was frozen at, he wants to pay me the lesser of the amounts. I declined alimony although i could get it for a limited time. He has agreed to pay 3/4 of college tuition because of his salary vs. mine. (3 kids in college!!!) I think all my bottled up craziness is due to all this turmoil during the holidays and of course, he has this OW. I have finally come to the point that I do want a divorce, I just need to get away from him before I go down with him. Thanks for all the replys!

My X tried that same kind of thing... the company was coming in at less than we had estimated, but he was thinking of selling the house, and the listing price would have been more than we valued it at...

He asked me if I would take a reduction from the company... I pointed out that he didn't offer to give me MORE if the house had sold... so, no, all numbers stay as they were on the date of separation!!!