I just don't know whether I'm to blame or whether I'm right to be feeling the way I do. Some advice (please don't be biased) would be appreciated. My husband and i have been married for almost ten years, but have had a rocky relationship the last four. He is in the military so we are constantly moving and that has been strain #1. Anyways, we were living in Hawaii four years ago and that is where things seemed to take a turn for the worst. He said he was unhappy and wanted to move out for a while to think things through... I was devastated and hurt and didn't know what to do with myself. I have two little girls I had to be strong for and did the best I could. He came and went as he pleased, saw the girls when it was convenient for him, even manipulated me into sleeping with him (I know I'm stupid) but I really wanted things to work. He would move back in for a couple of weeks, move back out, etc. etc. We finally sought counseling and he decided to make things work. This lasted 2 months and he was out again. I put up with this crap for a year and decided I could not emotionally handle it any more. It was too hard to be around someone who was manipulative and constantly draining me emotionally. I moved me and my girls back to NY. It was very hard at first but I slowly picked myself up. I got a great job, nice apartment, and gave my kids a brand new life. I still loved my husband and deep down inside wanted things to work. He played so many mind games with me the whole time always wanting to know where I was or what I was doing. The whole time, he was dating other people (had a profile on match.com, etc). I was so tired of dealing with it. My life was like this for a year and a half and then one day he calls me and says he made a huge mistake and wants things to really work this time. I was dumbfounded because he already sent me divorce papers that I was waiting on and I just didn't know where this was coming from. I was very scared and skeptical but allowed him to come and visit to see what would happen. This was after 6 very difficult months. The Christmas prior I had visted him and his family in Florida with the girls and he was so sweet... like old times. I was stupid enough to sleep with him again and became pregnant. Shortly after finding out he didn't want to have anything to do with the pregnancy and accused me of sleeping around. I was even more hurt and devastated and realized I would now be a single mother of 3. Unfortunately I ended up having a miscarraige and he felt terrible, wanted to see me. At that point I was so angry I would have nothing to do with him. When he finally came in June I was blinded by love again and wanted things to be back to normal. He promised me that everything would be perfect, he was a new person and would never walk out on me again. He also admitted to having an affair but it was short and he was very sorry. I chose to move to SC to start a new life with him and my girls knowing it would be difficult because I was having to learn to trust and be secure in this relationship again. Shortly after arriving there, I found out he was seeing someone three days after I left Hawaii and this relationship went on for the year and a half we were separated. He told her all kinds of lies, told her he wanted to rush the divorce so they could get married. I was absolutely hurt and devastated again because he promised me he told me everything and that she never meant anything to him. Either way, he played with both of our hearts right? So life in SC became very hard because now I really didn't know what I could trust. He didn't understand why I was having such a difficult time and treated him bad... I didn't treat him bad, I was just angry and sometimes didn't have it in me to be the sweet loving wife he wanted. But I knew I made the decision to be with him and I was going to work through this eventually because once again I really loved him and my girls deserved a normal family. I would have never left him. The problem is I thought I knew what I had to forgive him for before I made the choice to be with him again, and now I just don't even know what I should be forgiving him for. After six months HE got fed up and decided to take of his ring AGAIN and walk out on me and my girls. At this point I am even more hurt and angry, but also just numb because I don't know what I should be feeling anymore. The worst part is he is making me feel at fault for not being forgiving. He told me he doesn't think I will ever forgive him. That hurts because I always stood by him when he was going through his "phases" and all I want is support through my difficult time... this isn't easy for me. My question is, should I be at fault for this or is he right to walk out and give up?
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