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am I doing an injustice

sfsoccermom
sfsoccermom
I have been struggling with the holidays coming up. In the past, I have always done Thanksgiving at my house. My sister asked that the kids and I come to her house and spend the night before with them, and then cook there. My SIL will also be coming. Of course, my stbx (since he only thinks of himself) has not even asked about Thanksgiving. I am assuming that he thinks he can come over and have dinner with us and the kids. We won't be there. I have so much guilt.

Also, Christmas my sister asked us to stay Christmas Eve so that I am not alone with the kids. My kids love being there. I have so much guilt because my stbx won't be there Christmas morning to see his kids open their gifts. Of course, he can make his own Christmas, but he has never bought a gift for them in 17 years. I will let him see them after 10:00 on Christmas. He can spend the day with them afterwards.

Am I wrong for doing this for myself and the kids? Should I still feel guilty. He has never once thought about us. I hate this.

Any help is appreciated.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't think anyone can tell you what is right and wrong...

the question is... are you looking out for the best interest of the children OR are you trying to hurt him?

If its the best interest of the children then you need to be at peace with what you're doing.

If its to hurt him, you have to question whether its hurting the children as well.

whatever you decide... be at peace with your decion. If you can't be at peace with it... change your decision.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are moving forward....how can you feel guilt about rebuilding your life? The fact is that I invited my ex for Thanksgiving out of and act of kindness instead of guilt and it is a nice feeling indeed.

You don't feel guilt....feel free to do whatever you want with your life. The power of choice! HUGS TO YOU!
sfsoccermom
sfsoccermom
One of the biggest problems I have is that my family will not even be around him anymore. He walks around like he has done nothing wrong and that everyone should still accept him. Well, they don't. I want to be with my family so I am not alone. There is never any guarantee with him.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do what is in the best interest of you and the kids....your sister seems to want to help you out this year....that's ok...I think.......
I can't tell you how to feel; but if the stbx hasn't done anything to help you and if he's selfish let him be....if you see him; for the kids sake be civil; smile (even grit your teeth if you need to); and be with the kids.
I don't have advice really cuz I don't have kids; BUT my parents are divorced; and at holidays they were civil and at my wedding they were civil; at least they grew up during those times.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I so follow thru with your plans! He hasn't come up with a plan - are you meant to WAIT for him to make a decision - keep you hanging?

I say go to your sister, your kids love it there and you need the company!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sooner or later he's going to have to figure these things out on his own. Don't feel guilty about wanting to spend the holidays with your family. The holidays are about family and spending time with your loved ones and especially the kids.

The first holiday without is the hardest on everyone so hang in there. Having him take the kids at 10 on christmas sounds fair.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Don't feel guilty. If he wanted them, he'd ask for them. For goodness sake Thanksgiving is just a few days away...you have to make your plans. The kids will be fine...they don't make it such a sentimental event as we do. They will just love being around kids their own age or even adults who will give them the attention they want.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are doing the bet you can and not look back. Give yourself a pat on the back, seems to be you are doing AWSOME. There is no div couple I know of that spends Christmas together..are you kidding? At best there is 2 parties with the respective families. Be kind to yourself and your decisions, not need to revisit them when they make perfect sense to you. Big hug
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
You shouldn't feel any guilt. He chose the life he wanted. You have a right to make holiday plans and he could have called you weeks ago to discuss it.

Just try to enjoy the holiday the best you can.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No guilt in trying to move forward. It is unfair of him to "expect" anything from you. Your situation has changed, so it's ok for you to change your ways of habndling things. Be where you and your kids will be happy and enjoy the holiday. The only person you have to answer to is yourself. He should feel guilty for not making plans sooner.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No guilt. You made holiday plans that will be fulfilling for you and your kids. I'm also going to have my kids xmas eve and morning. He will have my son after 1pm. I'm not playing family when there isn't one. I played family last year (against my better judgement) and I'm not doing it this year. I felt like crap and the tension was crazy high. Only my stbx didn't feel it, cuz he was determined he was "doing the right thing".

I'm glad other people can go through this pain and still get together at holidays, but I'm not there and I don't feel obligated to be.

Your actions do not seem cruel at all. You need to rebuild your life and provide a stable loving home for your kids and that's what I see.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You didn't choose this. He did. He choose to cheat. He can't expect to have holiday dinners with you and your children.

My children are older and I'll have them for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He will take them out for dinner on Christmas Eve. That was hard for me to give up. I never said a word but last year on Christmas Eve I sat alone and cried. Granted it was only 2 hours but it was very fresh in my mind. This year I might go out with friends. Don't worry and enjoy the time with your children. Hugs.
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