I keep kicking myself for grieving over someone who does not love me. I wish that I could find comfort in telling myself that I should be grateful that I am not with someone who was not able to return love and compassion to another. It seems that knowledge should help take the pain away. I know logically that I don't want someone who does not want me and in knowing this I push myself to try and believe that it should not hurt. I never wanted to make him love me or be with me and now I feel a sense of embarrassment when I realized that he did not have the same depth of feeling that I had. He put all of his attention and effort elsewhere. I wish he had not stayed involved with me because in retrospect I can look back and see that he was never very enthusiastic about me. We bought a house together February of this year. It seemed to me that if you buy a house together it is a commitment (we were not married but together for about 4 years). I believe that if I had felt more valuable as a person that I would have seen earlier on that he did not show great feeling for me. I guess I convinced myself that it was just his personality and that he did not know how to show love. Paradoxically he could show enthusiasm and enjoyment in his many friendships. I always wondered where I fit in. Geez, I checked with him throughout our time together as to his feeling and he always told me that it was me and that he did not know how he could get it across to me that he did care. His actions were otherwise. I have a real problem in that I believe the words and rationalizing the actions. Thanks for listening. This sucks.
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