Well I didnt make it into work today. Woke up late again today, Seems like I have just no ambition to get out of bed anymore when I wake up. I just lay there. Or turn off my alarm and go right back asleep. Before Stef was there to nudge me and tell me your going to be late for work and I would just say uh huh and go back to sleep for about 5 minutes more. I have been trying to be up and on time. Witch I have been doing good. I just have no energy or anything to wake up and go to work anymore. And when I do go, I dont talk. Just keep my head down and keep to myself. I guess its because the people I work with besides a few are all over grown kids, I guess you get that anywhere though. I think that a lot of it has to do with my depression. Then again when you come home to an empty house it makes it hard. Im just glad that I have Max here. At least I have some reason to come home. Im trying to get into the spirit of Christmas, but its tough. With the things that are going on in the family right now, Stef not being here with me, and (I know it sounds weird) but my 31st birthday is this year. I guess I though by this time in my life I would be living that dream of the little white house with the little white picked fence, kids running around and the dog barking Well I do have one out of threeI do have the dog barking, ha ha ha. I dont know I guess I just miss her at times. I know that but her leaving all three times didnt help matters. I just dont understand, things might have not been perfect but I never left her. Yea I might have done some shit things, but I was always there! I never left. And by no means was she a saint. I mean you show me one perfect relationship or marriage. I know there is no such thing. I guess I just have to keep moving and keep my head up high. Witch is what Im trying to do. I think its getting easer for me because I dont call her or talk to her anymore. And other then her coming over to get the rest of her things, I never see her as well. I know as time passes it will become easer for me. And I know in time that this will pass. Just wish that I could find the one for me ya know. I hate being single. I always feel like the 3rd wheel per say. I dont wish her death or anything bad. I want her to be happy. Thats all I ever wanted. But we both did some crap things, and for that paid the price. For me, I have learned from that. I hope for her she has to. Steve, as much as it hurt me to come home and find that note on the kitchen table telling me she was gone, she was a good person. I know she feels the same about me as well. At least I hope so. Again, I just have to be strong. I do miss her, but I also know it would never work out. I think I knew that the first time she left me. But never wanted to admit to that. It is just going to be very different for me. Being so used to her, and trying to get to know someone else. I hope that the woman that I meet someday will understand that. As Im sure she will want me to understand. Its a change. And it will take time. But in the end I think I will be fine. I know I will be fine. I have learned that love is every emotion one can feel. I do think that love is the most powerful feeling in the world. You can be hurt but it, you can feel loved by it, it truly islove.
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