Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
i don't know if I am just abnormal in my thought process or if there are others out there like me.
So here are a few questions that keep popping up in my head after reading some threads on this board.
I am in now way judging anyone as their opinions are their own and I respect that someone can hold true to their opinion for whatever they use to justify it.
I will also state in no way did i have a perfect relationship nore do I think I was the greatest husband either, I made my share of mistakes and take full responsibility for them.
So here are my questions.
1. Do you feel that a ring and a marriage certificate made you and or your ex's love stronger at the time?
Myself I dont beleive a ring made me or her love each other more, it is supposed to be a symbol of your love, but I would expect showing someone first hand the love is better than any ring. Same with a marriage certificate. I was with my wife just shy of 15 years, married just over the last 3. These last 3 years I didn't love her more than before we where married because of signing a paper, my love grew yes, but it grew the whole relationship.
2. Why is it so hard for allot of people to forgive their ex's from cheating?
I do not condone cheating in anyway. I think it is wrong and if you are near that point you should have ended the relationship long before. But that said, my wife made one big fuck up and cheated on me, she also made minor ones threw the relationship just as I did. So my thought is how can I hang someone out to dry for the rest of my life over one mistake (all though a big one).
3. Do you want your ex's to be happy?
I myself do, and have told her flat out that I am glad she is happy. I loved her for who she was and all that we did. I never wanted her to get hurt or feel pain or feel unloved or unhappy. Why after splitting up should that be any different?
I know seperation and divorce is hard, I know we feel betrayed by the people who where supposed to be closest to us, but why hang on to all bad and anger?
So here are a few questions that keep popping up in my head after reading some threads on this board.
I am in now way judging anyone as their opinions are their own and I respect that someone can hold true to their opinion for whatever they use to justify it.
I will also state in no way did i have a perfect relationship nore do I think I was the greatest husband either, I made my share of mistakes and take full responsibility for them.
So here are my questions.
1. Do you feel that a ring and a marriage certificate made you and or your ex's love stronger at the time?
Myself I dont beleive a ring made me or her love each other more, it is supposed to be a symbol of your love, but I would expect showing someone first hand the love is better than any ring. Same with a marriage certificate. I was with my wife just shy of 15 years, married just over the last 3. These last 3 years I didn't love her more than before we where married because of signing a paper, my love grew yes, but it grew the whole relationship.
2. Why is it so hard for allot of people to forgive their ex's from cheating?
I do not condone cheating in anyway. I think it is wrong and if you are near that point you should have ended the relationship long before. But that said, my wife made one big fuck up and cheated on me, she also made minor ones threw the relationship just as I did. So my thought is how can I hang someone out to dry for the rest of my life over one mistake (all though a big one).
3. Do you want your ex's to be happy?
I myself do, and have told her flat out that I am glad she is happy. I loved her for who she was and all that we did. I never wanted her to get hurt or feel pain or feel unloved or unhappy. Why after splitting up should that be any different?
I know seperation and divorce is hard, I know we feel betrayed by the people who where supposed to be closest to us, but why hang on to all bad and anger?
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
2) I forgave the first cheating and tried to make things work. It only got worse. The trust could not be there completely and seeing as to how she committed various forms of adultery after that first time I can say that the only good in forgiving the first time is that I can say I tried. It took years to have any trust in her ( and still I question).
3) Yes, of course I want my ex to be happy, but it is difficult when it feels like her happiness has to be at my expense. It took realizing that there was no way she could be happy staying with me and therefore no true happiness for me with her.
Finally, the anger is a response to the pain I feel. We married because we found bliss with each other and promised to never intentionally harm each other. When an spouse leaves, regardless of the circumstances, it feels like they left with the intention of harming. I guess it just takes a while to realize that that's not the case.
And its often about more than one mistake..and involves much hurt..
Nobody wants to hang onto anger..but its often got to be felt..and lived through...before they can move on...
2. I found it easy to forgive his cheating the first time because I believed he was just confused because we got together so young. This time I will NEVER EVER forgive. I feel he used me until he thought something better came along.
3. No I dont want my ex to be happy. He has destroyed my life because of his cheating and leaving twice now. Because of him I will shortly lose my home and job. I couldnt afford to keep the house anyway but I need the support of my family so I am moving away and therefore cant keep my job. He has also been abusing me for the past 12 years. He doesnt deserve to be happy!!
2) I have not forgiven him for cheating or for leaving me. He betrayed me.
3) At the moment, I do not want him to be happy. He hurt me terribly and has hurt our children as well. I feel abandoned as do my children. He is extremely selfish. He did not even try to work on our marriage. He just decided he wanted something different without thinking what it would do to me and our kids. Then he lied and betrayed me for a year. I can't even fathom him being happy while my life and the kids lives are in such ruin.
Anger is only natural when you are hurt so badly. I don't think we are hanging onto it. It is an emotion that we have to work through. I don't plan on spending the rest of my life being bitter and angry. I do however give myself the right to be very angry with him now.
2) It's not so much of the cheating that's hard to forgive, it's what they do to you in the process. My ex told all of my very very personal business to the OW. I'm in no shape to forgive him for that.
3) I really don't care about his happiness at all. I'm pretty sure he is but for all I care he can rot in hell. (sorry)
2) You're right, if someone is unhappy in a relationship, they should get out before cheating. But the question is, what steps do you take before getting out.
3) Sure I do. However, it's a little bit more complicated than that. Being able to stay near her family will make her happy. Being able to be near my family will help make me happy. So, when the families are a 17-hour drive apart, how do you reconcile the differences in seeking happiness? :-)
Can you possibly feel and more liberated and present?
ROCK ON.
The ego is hard at work there, but in the end, who really continues to suffer.
Christ, as he hung bleeding from the cross, begged his Lord father' "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do...".
We give up ourselves for something else and know not what we do...when, and if we finally do, we can come back to our true selves. Easy? Nope. Doable? You betcha.
2) I chose to forgive after he told me about infidelity #1. I was more than willing to put for the work to save the marriage but he was not. As he continued to be unfaithful in many many ways I was made to believe that I was imagining things and that i was crazy. Well, sorry, but when I find out about a pregnant woman and how he funded her abortion what do you say?
3)Sure I want him to be happy,thats why I left- so that he would be able to have the stress off his back of having a wife and child he did not want. Im just learning though that it is not up to me to make him happy..Happiness is an inside job. I hope he finds his happiness someday, I really do, but for now I know my stress level is so much lower than it was living with an addict. Hopefully he can get himself cleaned up sometime soon and begin to enjoy his life. I know that there is only one way for me to go here and that is up- it cant ever get any worse than what I have been through.
I think we have to get angry to truly heal. For many of us, the anger is justified. While i dont think its healthy to hold onto or harbor that for an eternity I do think it does serve its purpose.
I can't forgive him because I completely trusted him. If he was "that guy" I would have expected it but never from him. And it's not just about the cheating- it's about ending our lives together, our futures together, our child growing up in a single parent home, the list goes on....
I love him, but I want him to be happy with me or no one! I feel he owed it to me to stick by me and our vows and to work out whatever he thought was wrong. I DO NOT want him to be happy with anyone else!
2) Cheating is a betrayal. IMO, it's the ultimate betrayal. I'm extremely suspicious of a chronic yeast infection that I got several years ago that appeared out of nowhere and I'd never had one before. It took a year for me to get rid of it while under a doctor's care the whole time. My doctor even subtly asked if my then husband could be passing it back to me. I dismissed it at the time. Now it makes a bit more sense. I'll forgive him for it one day for MY sake. I'm having a MUCH harder time forgiving him for what he's done to our children, quite honestly.
3) Not at this time do I think he even remotely deserves happiness. I'm starting to lean toward indifference...but a wish for him to be happy...nah.