I have been married to a wonderful man for 36 years, but had to leave due to alcohol. He would do anything for me and I know he loves me but when he drinks he is very verbally abusive. He would drink and say things and by morning he would pretend that everything was okay, but it wasn't. I went to bed each night mad and got up the same way. I began to wish him dead so I could have peace. How did I think that kind of relationship was working? I didn't say anything about his drinking because I liked my glass of wine and didn't want to judge him for doing the same thing I did, but there was a difference, I wasn't mean to anyone. I hate not being at my home, I live with my sister and feel like such a failure. I worked hard all my life and tried hard to have a good retirement, but feel like it is all lost. I took out my 401k, paid off the house, got an upgrade with my car and left. He lives in the house. It's been four months and I don't feel better about where I'm at.
Feeling how my childhood of all forms of abuse and my abusive marriage has fucked my current life and future. Feel like dying. I am sorry. Therapist tried to help me understand my shitty past. Apparently if I look critically I am not garbage even if I feel that way and want to die.
Is there life after trauma ? Lately my whole outlook on life has changed