I am new to this board and I have no idea what to do. I will give a very summed up version of my story. My husband is in the military and has been deployed two times and since he got back a couple months ago our marriage problems have gotten horrible. We just couldn't communicate on anything. He told me I was crazy and told me I had to go to a shrink to save things because I had the problems and I do admit I have problems with anger and mood swings. So I went to the doc and got help, but was on some meds and I drank on them and wasn't supposed to and my husband encouraged me saying that it wouldn't hurt me. I ended up kissing one of his friends a couple times and he caught us. I felt horrible, but like a different person and was drunk so I just went inside. He was irate for days and then started to calm down and I apologized many times telling him I was not myself and I was sorry I hurt him and asked him for his forgiveness and he said he accepted but we still fought for days and he became obsessed with what happened and where I was all the time. Then this weekend we went to a military function and I drank because I was nervous about seeing the other guy and my husbands friends and when I saw him laughing and talking with the other guy I freaked out and went to him and yelled at him in front of the guys. When we got home we fought and then he hit me many times, choked me a couple times to the point of me starting to see black and raped me. I didn't call the cops because of was scared of ruining his career but the next day I realized that was stupid and went to his chain of command and he is now mandatorily enrolled in every program and counseling in the world. At first he seemed sorry and now he seems mad at me and trys to justify what he did. He wants to be intimate with me and because I saw the pain in his eyes I let him do certain things to me but I created in my mind it wasn't him. Afterwards I freaked out and he got angry and slept downstairs and now he is mad at me, blaming me and I don't know what else. I am terrified to get a divorce because we have two kids and I want to try counseling before I give up, but I don't know how long I can try because he is no longer the man I married and I don't even know if I love him anymore...I don't know what to do can anyone give me any advice? Thank you for listening.
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