Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi.
43 yr. old male, married 18 years, 2 children, good job, nice house, supportive family.... Bad marriage.
I met my wife while in college. We were crazy about each other.! Dated 2 years, married, had 2 wonderful children and completely lost track of one another. She withdrew from our bedroom and intimate life, I kept talking with her, begging and pleading to come back to our relationship, our sex life, our marriage. No thanks is what I got. Well 15 years went buy with little or no sustained positive action. I did what I had to do to remain in the relationship. Years and years of loneliness were thrust upon me and I didn't even know what I did or why. I thought she did not love me anymore. I thought I was just a convenient guy to have around. I grew tired of seeing her back night after night.
18 mos. ago I told her I wanted out of the marriage. I had emotionally closed down to her. I refused to let her hurt me silently any longer. All hell broke loose for 6 mos. Mistrust, blame, arguments, finger pointing, etc were now the norm. We went from silence and talking about the kids to chaos... I finally moved out to an apartment to stop the insanity and think. After 6 mos. we could not afford to keep 2 rents going every month. I moved back home. I did this with reluctance but I missed my kids so very much. After being home for a couple months, I find myself still in this closed down state. Despite counseling, I can't seem to get over the years of resentment I feel for her abandoning our marriage and relationship. The reasons, I have been told, are due to past (childhood) stuff and that she let too many small things I did make her angry at me. She bottled them up and was mad at me the entire time...huh ?? Since I told her I wanted out, she said she has dug deep and tried very hard to let some of those things go. Opened herself up again to me... She waited so long to do this that now I'm resentful and hurt..
The time is drawing near to make a final decision and I am very scared. I don't want to miss a moment of my kids lives, but don't know if I could ever open up enough to her to live an emotionally fruitful life. To take a chance on someone that has made the last 15 years of my life incredibly lonely.? Move on and start new ?
I just don't know what to do...My heart is sick. Thanks for listening.
43 yr. old male, married 18 years, 2 children, good job, nice house, supportive family.... Bad marriage.
I met my wife while in college. We were crazy about each other.! Dated 2 years, married, had 2 wonderful children and completely lost track of one another. She withdrew from our bedroom and intimate life, I kept talking with her, begging and pleading to come back to our relationship, our sex life, our marriage. No thanks is what I got. Well 15 years went buy with little or no sustained positive action. I did what I had to do to remain in the relationship. Years and years of loneliness were thrust upon me and I didn't even know what I did or why. I thought she did not love me anymore. I thought I was just a convenient guy to have around. I grew tired of seeing her back night after night.
18 mos. ago I told her I wanted out of the marriage. I had emotionally closed down to her. I refused to let her hurt me silently any longer. All hell broke loose for 6 mos. Mistrust, blame, arguments, finger pointing, etc were now the norm. We went from silence and talking about the kids to chaos... I finally moved out to an apartment to stop the insanity and think. After 6 mos. we could not afford to keep 2 rents going every month. I moved back home. I did this with reluctance but I missed my kids so very much. After being home for a couple months, I find myself still in this closed down state. Despite counseling, I can't seem to get over the years of resentment I feel for her abandoning our marriage and relationship. The reasons, I have been told, are due to past (childhood) stuff and that she let too many small things I did make her angry at me. She bottled them up and was mad at me the entire time...huh ?? Since I told her I wanted out, she said she has dug deep and tried very hard to let some of those things go. Opened herself up again to me... She waited so long to do this that now I'm resentful and hurt..
The time is drawing near to make a final decision and I am very scared. I don't want to miss a moment of my kids lives, but don't know if I could ever open up enough to her to live an emotionally fruitful life. To take a chance on someone that has made the last 15 years of my life incredibly lonely.? Move on and start new ?
I just don't know what to do...My heart is sick. Thanks for listening.
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In my last session with my therapist,he told me that my abusive ex was past the lowest end on the empathy scale,while i am past the highest end.i see that in all of you,being so empathetic to one another, when abuse could have turned you bitter and cold.Of course sometimes having a lot of empathy or being an HSP can hurt because we feel the pain of others so intensly,so grounding ourselves is...
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Today has been challenging, confusing, depressing, and filled with anxiety, among other things.What are your favorite inspirational quotes, scriptures or religious passages?
(((hugsssss))))
Hope things work out for you. The one thing you have going is neither one of you has called it quits. Keep trying.
Second, I don't think that you've given it nearly enough time for counceling to work. So at this point that you're not sure...that's OK. Be honest and be willing to work on things. And don't try for a Big Marriage Fix immediately. If it's working then it will be more slow and steady.
It's like a diet. Crash programs rarely work in the long run. Slow and steady (like the turtle) win the race. If 6 months from now you wake up and realize that you're "pretty" happy...then it's working. If you wake up and are feeling the same or worse....then it's time to get out.
My wife said she wanted out a year ago.
I had been emotionally unavailable, she had gotten resentful.
I set out to mend my ways, but here we are a year later, she says she appreciates the effort, but it is too late and she is gone.
I would love for her to come back (she says it is a slim possiblity) but hopefully not just for financial reasons
I had made a choice to move home after a 6 mo. seperation for a few reasons. Financials were certainly a part of it. I also was a bit angry that I wasn't in my own house because I had every right to be. But mostly I went back to complete the family unit for myself and my children. When I was away, I missed the craziness of the house, the interaction with the kids, my time with the kids in "our" setting. The apartment I was in was very nice, but it wasn't my home.
I didn't go back because I missed my relationship with my wife. That may sound crazy but we didn't have a ralationship to miss. I didn't miss our sex life because she was never a part of that anyway. I didn't miss our deep conversations because there were none. We could never talk without her exploding at me. I did bring my needs to her so many years ago and time after time it fell on deaf ears or it would change for a couple weeks and go right back to the same old crap. Fact is, I can't remember the last time I have felt connected to my wife emotionally.
Funny thing is that I still love her. I'm just not "In Love" with her.
While there is no timeline per se, neither one of can or should live like things are right now for very long. It is not fair to the kids or to each other. I can't say that I am committed to fixing it because I am filled with doubt. Doubt that was built for years and years.
With that said, it leaves me with a choice that is painful. Let her in and risk being put on the shelf again but keep the family together, or stay the path I came to 18 mos. ago, finish it and move on. I'm torn because each path has positive and negetive results.
I actually got to a point where looking at her face sickened me and made me angry. Should a relartionship that is supposed to lift you up each day make one feel like that.? Should the woman that you gave your soul to have been able to treat me in such a way that it could bring me to that point ?
I just don't know. Man being a grown up is difficult.
Maybe her motives for coming around and finally opening up to you have nothing to do with feelings towards you, but rather her feelings of not wanting to be really alone or financially burdened. I find it interesting that after all this time she was only able to dig deep when you were ready to leave. When someone is important to you, you make every effort to let them know that, even when you are upset and angry. Fifteen years is a long time to be angry at someone.
Being truly happy requires a certain amount of risk taking to go after what you really seek. Would you be more happy with someone else if they gave you the love and attention you deserved? That is what I would be asking myself after 15 years of neglect. you deserve better...
It sounds as though you've both given up. After all, the person who wants the relationship the least has 100% of the power if the other spouse wants it even a little bit. You've had enough and decided to take away her power.
Unless either of you has cheated, the marriage can still be salvaged. Nothing can be fixed until you both stop keeping your private accounting sheets of what the other spouse owes you. Instead of looking at what you're not getting, perhaps it's time to think of what you already have. I know that the sexual rejection is very difficult to get past but I would trade a strong, loving partnership for sex anytime. The separation from your children will be the most heart-wrenching and painful thing you will ever experience. There were times when I thought death was preferable.
I would suggest that rebuilding trust would be the first step. If you have to take a lie-detector test to put all doubts out of her mind then do it. The $500 cost for the test is lot cheaper than a divorce lawyer. There's nothing that you can do if your wife decides to leave but you must exhaust all your possibilities if you want to travel the high road and be at peace with your conscience.
Move out
Arrange to meet the kids regularly - stick to the arrangement
Live life
Love life
Maybe I should take my advice?
I sometimes wonder ... If this relationship were right would it be so difficult to feel good about it ?
I really have to look very hard at the relationship to find positive things that feel good to me. When I reflect on the 15 or so years, All that boils to the surface is the lonliness.
Damn I wish I felt different.