So the other night he shows up at my house at 12:30 at night. I here him come in, I was expecting him. He thought it would be a good time to drop off some money, probably so he wouldn't have to see the kids. Earlier that night he spoke to my three year old who quite frankly told him, I don't like you cuz you don't come home and you ruined mommy. (I never taught her this! Despite what he thinks.) So he is sitting at the kitchen table looking miserable and close to breaking down. I could have taken the money, gone upstairs and gone back to bed. How many times afterall has he left me crying and needing someone to comfort me. Enough to were I had the right to turn around and walk away, but I didn't. Who I am won't let me. Here is someone I care deeply for needing some compassion, so I did the most natual thing I could do. I went to him, held him and let him cry. He told me how bad he felt that he ruined everyones lives, told me he was sorry, was miserable that his own daughter hated him. I didn't say much of anything. This was my small victory, what I needed to hear to know there is still a part of the man I knew trapped inside this stranger. To bad I didn't get the satisfaction from it that I thought I would. I wanted to be able to laugh at him, say I told you so. Tell him he deserves to feel this way, but I couldn't. Couldn't even feel that way myself. No one deserves to be miserable and lost, not even someone who has hurt me so bad. That was Tuesday, Thursday he calls to talk to my daughter again, briefly. I managed to get her on the phone because at first she didn't want to talk to Daddy. But he agreed to take her to the fair this weekend and he used that to get her talking. Then I got on the phone and he tells me he is going to look at an apartment this weekend. I said, thats good you don't want to come home, you don't want to stay wereever you are, you got to live some where. So we start talking for a little while, he says there is a one year lease on this place. I wanted to tell him not to sign a lease until after court for support next week, since I spoke to a lawyer and have a rough idea how much money will be coming to me. But the evil me finally shown through and I didn't say a thing. I said thats fine, we can seperate for a year, just don't right us off just yet. So then he tells me that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, that we have grown apart and it could never be the way it once was. Which is bull crap, he just doesn't want to try. Life gets between you, especially when you have very young children, he just doesn't want to work at it and that is frusterating to me. Anyway, then he says somehting that I am going to carry with me for a long time. "I am looking for a better future." I wanted to say, "you should use that as your pickup line." Instead I said, "what kind of man goes looking for a better future and leaves his family behind? Don't you see how wrong that it?" He was quiet for awhile. "Think about it." I said, "what is right about going off and looking for a better future and leaving your wife and children behind, alone, with nothing. Me and the kids are going to be on welfare because of you, what about our future?" All he said is, "I never said it was right." SO then he starts saying how he will be sitting in an empty apartment by himself and he was going to have to do something about it. Get a dog, was what I wanted to say, but it was clear he was telling me he planned on dating. I told him, we'll be seperated for a year, but don't write us off just yet. He asked, what if I meet someone, or what if you meet someone. I told him we'd cross that bridge when we came to it. He didn't say anything. So here is my take on this. He's bored. He wants to pursue other relationships, screw around, live the single life until he realizes it ain't all it's cracked up to be, then what is he going to do. And finding another woman for him isn't going to be easy. He will have no money. (I know this but he don't) He will have baby mamma drama. And he will be working 7 days a week second shift trying to pay for everything. Which means he won't have time for any woman, and most woman won't like that at all. But who knows. As for me meeting someone else? Ha, sure. He knows that won't happen because I have the kids ALL the time and guys don't typically hit on a women carrying two babies around. So here we go, onto round number two and I'm not so sure my heart can take it.
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