It's so ironic to me to come to this support group and not find much interaction. Of course we are all holding back...we are borderline. We doubt everything we think and say, we doubt every thing we do, and we doubt everything we want to do. I'm sure every one that stops by has a million + things to say but holds back because of the insecurities and self-doubt. I don't want to write anything because I don't want to be a 'bother' to anyone or 'put anyone out' or 'upset' anyone. I live everyday of my life like this. I don't share what's going on in my head because it always causes problems for me. Just today I reacted...ummm...I mean 'over-reacted'...to something my amazing fiance did. He honestly is amazing. Anyway - I blew nothing up into something and this something is huge. He just arrived home from Ireland late last night. I missed him terribly while he was gone (of course) . He had been up for something like 28 hours so he dropped me off and headed home to sleep. We have both been DYING to see each other. talk about his trip, look at all his photos together but now, because I said something stupid (which he handled very well with so much patience) and I'm blaming myself for 'ruining his whole trip' (my words, not his) I haven't seen him at all today. Now I'm sitting here alone, it's past midnight, and he's probably sitting at home wondering why I haven't called. I haven't called because I feel guilty for hurting him and I've convinced myself that he hates me now. It's SOOOO silly and wrong and just dumb and I want to talk to him and see him SOO badly and I know he feels the same...SO WHY CAN'T I CALL HIM??? Why do I insist on hurting us both because I THINK he MIGHT be feeling a certain way. I HATE BPD...HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. OH yeah AND...In the week he was gone, I suddenly decided I want to try to get back together with my drug-addict ex-husband whom I know will just lie and hurt me again and again BUT "he's doing so well and he knows me and I need him. I need to help him. He needs me." (those are my words) AHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHY??????
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