I'm sure I have mentioned this before but I have been seeing a shrink for almost 18yrs. now and he has in the past screwed up my appts. by being late, staying in his office instead of coming out to the waiting room, saying he was waiting for me and by not returning my calls for weeks. He has finally learned that not returning my calls provokes BPD rage because the thoughts turn into rage which turn into obsessions that I want to get back at him. However when it comes time for the appt. I go in the office and I behave myself instead of getting angry. Now I have really had it. Last week I had to change my appt and he had his secretary call me to give me an appt. I called back within that same morning and left the message that I would be there. I went and waited 35 minutes and then his door opened and this woman beside me who was sitting directly in front of his door got up and went in to his office. I waited 35 minutes and then spent an hour and a half in traffic for this!!! I called and left a message and I got one back saying my doc was sorry he couldn't see me and gave me another appt. for 6 days later!!! Oh, I didn't mention that on my message to the secretary when I explained he took someone else I said it was urgent I see him. Now I have to live 6 days with this state. I wake up early because of rage, I can't concentrate on anything because I want to k--- him and I can't relax. What am I supposed to think...or say to him. I still feel intimidated by him after yrs. and I really don't know how I feel about him. I do know I feel disrepected, unacknowledged, invalidated and worth nothing. Does he feel I am wasting his time? He should say something and I am paranoid he is hiding how he feels about me. Maybe he is having heavy countertransference issues with me. Can someone help me with this
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