Bisexuality Support Group
Bisexuality is a sexual orientation which refers to the aesthetic, romantic, and/or sexual attraction of individuals to other individuals of both their own and the opposite gender or sex. Most bisexuals are not equally attracted to men and women, and may even shift between states of finding either sex exclusively attractive over the course of time.
This is my first post EVER on any site. I just need to get things out.
I am 30 have been with my wife for 14 years (9 married) and have a 5 year old and 3 year old. I have never been more in love with my wife and she clearly loves me. The sex is also as good as it has ever been.
If you had done the sums of my age vs time in relationship, you would gather that we meet quite young. Infact I was her first boyfriend. As such, my wife has ever had the opportunity to properly explore her sexuality etc.
My wife, over the last nine months has formed a crush on a lesbian female teacher at my sons school. It started as simple flirting and Facebook messages and has evolved to a point where my wife admits she is in love with the other woman. The other woman has stated that she is prepared to leave her 'wife' of 5 years to be with my wife.
They have kissed twice but have not gone any further. They want to though.
There are many factors preventing my wife from pursuing a sexual relationship with this other woman including;
1. She is married and has two children
2. She loves me and does not want to hurt me
3. The other women is also married and my wife does not want to be 'the other woman'.
4. She is confused.
5. She is scared of her feelings.
After many deep and meaningfuls (and I mean many) my wife has made a decision (for one or more to the above reasons) to cut ties with this woman and focus on her family. In the process she has lost her very best friend.
My wife has told me that she is not gay, but possibly bi-sexual. I never thought it was possibly to love two people at once. MY WIFE HAS PROVED ME WRONG!
Now to me...I am scared. I love my wife more than anything and I would do anything to make her happy. Hence my problem - She is in love with this other woman and wants to experiment with her, but is denying herself because of me. She is hurting and I am causing it - not by my actions/words, but simply by being there and loving her.
I am in the ultimate catch 22.
On one hand, do I support her decision to stay faithful to the marriage knowing that she is in love with another person. In this scenario she loses her 'soul mate' and best friend and still has unanswered questions about her sexuality. NOT FAIR ON HER.
On the other hand, if I allow her to explore this new relationship/sexuality, there is a very real chance that I will lose her (and ultimately the children) NOT FAIR ON ME.
On the other hand, if i deny her the chance to explore, she will resent me in the long term. NOT FAIR ON EITHER OF US.
My heart is literally breaking as I type this.
Put in to perspective, if she had these feelings about another man, I would fight with everything I had to keep her. But i dont think this is the same. My mates have tried to be helpful, but they simply dont understand the complexities involved. I cant change how she feels and it would be insulting to her if i even tried. As far as I can see, my ONLY option is to be supportive and hope for the best.
Like I said earlier, I am really confused and scared. I hate the fact that my whole life (wife, kids, house, health) hinges on something so untangeable.
Please..any advice?
I am 30 have been with my wife for 14 years (9 married) and have a 5 year old and 3 year old. I have never been more in love with my wife and she clearly loves me. The sex is also as good as it has ever been.
If you had done the sums of my age vs time in relationship, you would gather that we meet quite young. Infact I was her first boyfriend. As such, my wife has ever had the opportunity to properly explore her sexuality etc.
My wife, over the last nine months has formed a crush on a lesbian female teacher at my sons school. It started as simple flirting and Facebook messages and has evolved to a point where my wife admits she is in love with the other woman. The other woman has stated that she is prepared to leave her 'wife' of 5 years to be with my wife.
They have kissed twice but have not gone any further. They want to though.
There are many factors preventing my wife from pursuing a sexual relationship with this other woman including;
1. She is married and has two children
2. She loves me and does not want to hurt me
3. The other women is also married and my wife does not want to be 'the other woman'.
4. She is confused.
5. She is scared of her feelings.
After many deep and meaningfuls (and I mean many) my wife has made a decision (for one or more to the above reasons) to cut ties with this woman and focus on her family. In the process she has lost her very best friend.
My wife has told me that she is not gay, but possibly bi-sexual. I never thought it was possibly to love two people at once. MY WIFE HAS PROVED ME WRONG!
Now to me...I am scared. I love my wife more than anything and I would do anything to make her happy. Hence my problem - She is in love with this other woman and wants to experiment with her, but is denying herself because of me. She is hurting and I am causing it - not by my actions/words, but simply by being there and loving her.
I am in the ultimate catch 22.
On one hand, do I support her decision to stay faithful to the marriage knowing that she is in love with another person. In this scenario she loses her 'soul mate' and best friend and still has unanswered questions about her sexuality. NOT FAIR ON HER.
On the other hand, if I allow her to explore this new relationship/sexuality, there is a very real chance that I will lose her (and ultimately the children) NOT FAIR ON ME.
On the other hand, if i deny her the chance to explore, she will resent me in the long term. NOT FAIR ON EITHER OF US.
My heart is literally breaking as I type this.
Put in to perspective, if she had these feelings about another man, I would fight with everything I had to keep her. But i dont think this is the same. My mates have tried to be helpful, but they simply dont understand the complexities involved. I cant change how she feels and it would be insulting to her if i even tried. As far as I can see, my ONLY option is to be supportive and hope for the best.
Like I said earlier, I am really confused and scared. I hate the fact that my whole life (wife, kids, house, health) hinges on something so untangeable.
Please..any advice?
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
But like you said you can only be suppotive. Tell her that you will love her no mater her decicion. Tell her that you want her to be happy and will do what it takes to keep your family together. Let her chose what she wants, tell her that you cant choose for for her but will talk about anything she has questions about. You cant be upset if she experiments, it is her right, and you should support her. You cant be upset of she chooses to stop all contact, it is her choice and in the end only she knows what she wants.
Would you let her go out and be with another man? I didn't think so...
Cheating is cheating...the heart doesn't discern the sex of whom your partner cheats with...the pain is all the same...
AND YOU HAVE 2 KIDS!!!! What are they going to think? Kids are NOT stupid. You can NOT hide this from them, no matter what you think. They will know what is going on...and what kind of example will you be setting for them? Wouldn't you rather be teaching them the virtues of monogamy? Or do you want to be teaching them that it is OK for mommy to go out and sleep around?
If she wants out, cut her lose...if she wants to stay with you, then she needs to stay faithful because that is what marriage is about. Life isn't about always getting what you want. She made a commitment to you and she needs to honor it. And if she doesn't want to honor it, then she needs to do the next best thing and dissolve the marriage. But having your cake and eating it too...that's just disgusting...and it will destroy not only you, but will damage your kids too.
secondly.. she's ruining this other woman's family because she also cheated on her wife.... if your wife continues this relationship she could potentially destroy a lot of people's lives which I think is just extremely selfish.
Being bi does NOT mean you have to cheat... i mean, how would you feel if she fell inlove and kissed a male teacher? it's the same thing. If you don't feel comfortable with it then just say no... go to marriage counseling or something but she she's doing and what the other woman is doing is just dead wrong and horrible.
now, if you decide you're okay with her being with other women, then i think it's fine to let her (only if you're absolutely positively 100% okay with it!!!) but NOT with this woman because this woman is cheating on her wife!!!!
and i hate myself that the same has happened to me and other then the kids...all those number items are on my list of why i stay! i can tell your hurt..i know my H is hurt too.. i do love him too he is a good man as you sound like you are and dont deserve to be hurt like this...and really it isn't you causing it...
i don't know the answers...i am in the midst of all this and still confused myself..i know its a lot to ask but hang on for awhile...let her figure things out on her own...i know thats asking a lot on you!! i know it!! but don't give up on her...its all a hard thing to grasp epecially her discovering this later in life but if you can just continue to give her support and have her know you care about her and would do anything for her...love her and let her know your there...
From reading some of the other posts, it seems like some people might see cheating as anything that goes on outside the knowledge of the spouse. So in that case, it might not be cheating if your wife experiments while keeping you informed and that she does it with your full support and consent. Other people might see it not as cheating because it doesn't involve another man, so it might be considered a part of her life that a husband wouldn't get real involved with just like she wouldn't choose to get involved in certain aspects of your life.
I would think it's up to you to hash out with your wife. Decide on how you want your relationship to function and then both of you agree to abide by the same "rules".
Don't rule out any options. It is obvious you love each other very much, and you want to keep your family together. She probably needs some freedoms right now that she never expected to need when she said her vows.
The woman she loves seems like maybe not so good of a choice for experimentation. She is willing to leave her wife for yours? It sounds like she would expect a commitment. Also, people have a tendency of repeating behaviors - it would be quite possible that, if it happened that she and your wife created a more serious relationship, the other woman would end up leaving her for something "more interesting" down the road.
To experiment, I would absolutely recommend encouraging your wife to find a single woman, or that you both find a swinger couple - you don't need to be involved, but everyone should be open-minded, honest, and non-committal. The most important thing is to be safe, for your hearts and your bodies.
Your children will respond to how you deal with this situation. They probably have known there is something wrong for a while, and will be looking to you and your wife to fix it. Other posters have mentioned teaching the value of monogamy. I think that teaching the value of being true to yourself is more important. At the time of your post, the happiness of your marriage was at stake - because both of you have a need to be aware of and honest with yourselves.
Somewhere along the line, there is a solution. Don't get discouraged!