I am bi. I was married until the day he died. I would like to spend the rest of my life with the right woman if I could ever find her. I don't think being monogamous is denying a part of yourself. I still like men its just that I choose because of my past to maybe not spend the rest of my life with a man.My abuse cam from a man not a woman.

Is it possible to be Bi and in a sexually, physically and emotionally monogamous relationship in the long term (til death do us part type thing)?
Is being completely monogamous with one partner of whichever gender long term denying part of yourself?
If so is that healthy and possible?

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I'm not the kind of person that likes to think that being bisexual prevents you from being able to be happy and fulfilled in a monogamous relationship. I certainly believe that it is possible but there are a couple of things that I think can make it difficult to achieve it:

1. Sometimes when we are not completely satisfied with our current relationship we may come to the conclusion that it has to be something inherent to the sex of our partner. From there we assume that what we're truly looking for can only be found in someone who is of the opposite sex of our current partner. You begin to see your lack of fulfillment as having to do with your partner's sex rather than with them as a person and therefore project the qualities that you long for onto someone who's sex is different from the person your with.
For example if you're a woman you may say to yourself "If I was with a woman I would be happier." With this kind of thinking you're placing more value on the person's sex rather than their character. Truth is just because it's a woman it doesn't mean that she automatically knows how to love you. Some women can be shallow, self centered and lacking in emotional depth.

2.If your bi but all of your sexual experiences have only been with one sex you run the possible risk of putting an experience of the other sex on a pedestal. Sometimes we assume that just because someone has the same equipment that we do they will automatically know how to work it. All men do not use their tools the same way. Just as well, not all women use theirs in the same manner. Of course there are the basic mechanics that we understand but there's a lot of variation on how each of us carry it out.

3.Some people use bisexuality as a way to not have to invest much into a relationship because they think they will always be missing out on something or they're simply afraid of being vulnerable and possibly getting hurt. I myself am guilty of this. Being emotionally hurt by men in the past, I keep a lot of myself to myself being willing only to fully disclose myself to another woman because I think that she would understand me better and won't hurt me. But the truth is women hurt women too and it really is unfair to men if they are truly trying to connect with you emotionally to just cut them out like that. Now, getting hurt in the past isn't the reason why I'm bi. I was bi long before I started having long-term intimate relationships but getting hurt in the past is partly why a woman may appeal more to me now than a man would.

Personally, although I'm married and monogamous I don't feel like I'm denying a part of myself. For me being monogamous is about expressing my love and sexual affection towards one person. It's the way I feel most comfortable. I would be denying a part of myself if I were trying to be monogamous when I don't want to be. But monogamy can be difficult for someone who's bi if they are in an environment where they can't openly express their same sex feelings in other ways besides a secret affair. For example, your bi and your out for a walk with a group of your female friends when a hunk of a man comes jogging by with his shirt off. Naturally you and your friends are going to eye him, giggle a little bit, maybe even wave and then walk away discussing how hot he is. That's perfectly acceptable. Now what if a gorgeous looking woman comes jogging by? Unless you're with a group of very open minded women or they're bi too, you're not going to be able to openly react to the woman in the same way you and your friends did with the man. Instead you'll just catch a peek at her on the sly and keep your thoughts to yourself. Having to hide the fact that you are also attracted to your own sex is a part of what makes being monogamous agonizing and therefore intensifies the desire and longing to be with someone of the same sex.

i am in a long term relationship.

I'd like to believe it's possible. My problem is that I'm in a relationship that is most likely going to lead to marriage but I've never been with a woman before. He doesn't know about my feelings for women. I feel like if I don't have sex with a woman at least once, I will always be wondering and not be completely content with my monogamous, hetero relationship. Have any of you found that to be the case?

I know what you mean. I didn't become fully aware that the nature of my sexuality was bi until three months before my wedding. Up until then I was ignoring my same sex attractions and then after marriage hoping that a steady dose of "man" would make it go away or at least drown the feelings out. Well, it didn't. Now that I'm married there's a strong possibility that I may never get to experience an intimate relationship with a woman. That's a part of the commit that I made to my husband. Just as much as he's vowed to forsake all others so have I.
But I'm human and I'm not perfect. I know damn well that if I was left alone for a weekend in a cabin off in the woods with someone like Jessica Biel something would happen if the opportunity came up. And no, I probably wouldn't tell my husband. There's no need to unload my guilt on to him under the guise of honesty. I would simply carry that burden with me to the grave.
Honestly, some days I feel like if I don't have sex with a woman I'm gonna go crazy. That's why I write, draw, watch the L Word, fantasize and what not. It helps. But you have to ask yourself what is it really that you want and are expecting from an intimate experience with a woman? Is it possible to have any of that with your man?

Thanks for your helpful reply, Mercury. I'm sorry that you feel stuck sometimes and need to find other ways to deal with your feelings towards women. That's what I don't want to happen with me. I know damn well that if I was given the opportunity to sleep with a beautiful woman I would too even though I'm in a committed relationship. Right now it's a question of whether I should actually seek out that opportunity. Do you think I should? And if I do, do I tell my bf about it?

That's a good question about what it is I want to get out of an intimate experience with a woman. It's not only what I'd want a woman to do to me--it's actually more what I'd want to do to her. I'm sorry if I'm being too graphic here, but if I don't talk about it here, where else can I discuss stuff like this? I want to go down on her, f*** her with my fingers and with a strap-on, hold her breasts, lick and suck on her nipples.... It's just simply something I can't do with a man.

I think after I've experienced it, I'll know better whether it's something I can go without for the rest of my life or if it's something that I need to have once in a while. If it's something I have to be able to act on, then I'd probably need to tell my bf even though I'd really not want to do that. He is definitely a monogamist and I highly doubt he'd be okay with me sleeping with other women while being with him. I don't know that I'd be able to handle that either. It's not fair to him.

Truth is, I think he's the one. I don't want to screw this up, but I can't help what I'm feeling. Watching the L Word actually makes it worse for me. It makes me want women more, but at the same time I'm thankful it exists because it's something I can relate to.

OCchick

I don't really think that having experienced it makes it all that much easier. I had 1 incredible night with the girl I have a crush on (after blurting out that I thought she fancied me when I didn't even know she was bi). That was a number of years ago and I freaked out a little after it. It was relaxed, sexy and intimate in a way it had never been with a guy. And I am someone with a bit of an issue with girl bits (my own included). She is the only woman that I have wanted in that way, I think other women are sexy and I have had a crush or two here or there but nothing more than a passing fancy.

I think she gets bits of me that no-one else does and it is that that makes her appealing to me. And I think Mercury might be right, it might not be that she is a woman. I am not sure though, the idea of touching her beautifully soft skin, caressing the curve at her waist and running my hands over her breasts and nipples is also figuring in there. And I have to say, for me it was a very very different experience with her than with anyone else. I haven't ever done anything like it before or since.

I can empathise with your LT relationship thing too. I am getting married next year to a man that I adore. He gets bits of me that no-one else can. He knows the sound of rain on a tin roof. I know that sounds like a trivial thing but it isn't, not to me. He is my best friend and I am fighting not to screw it up. He knows every detail of the problems I am having and he accepts me as I am. With all my baggage an unresolved issues. I would be insane to screw up our relationship over a crush, and I am not going to. Still that temptation is hard to resist. Especially as she is also having a tough time resisting (and when we went out a couple of weeks ago gave up on resisting and started stroking my back when I was at the bar).

I want to believe that I can be monogamous forever. I want to believe that its not denying part of myself any more than if I were straight. I want to believe it is healthy and possible.

I think with how supportive my fiance is, and how understanding he is about all this it has to be OK. And with how I can talk to him about things knowing that they will hurt him but that it will hurt us more if I don't makes it better. I think with the right friends and partner it is possible. I guess I just don't want to turn into my Dad who had a whole second family!