I feel for you and what you have gone through. That sounds like a very tough road. I would love to say of course you'll be able to support yourself, and the truth is you probably will some day. Sometimes symptoms are more readily controlled as we get older. Sometimes they're not though and you may not ever live completely independently. I know it's a bitch relying on others and I have no idea what sort of social programs might be available to you in GBR, but I have to believe that if you can pull a grain of happiness here and there out of whatever situation you're in, you might be able to find enough quality so that you don't contemplate euthanasia. I was in asia when I was a euth. I say don't visit there. :o)

First of all.. Dont let it get to you. It doesnt have to be a pattern in your life. You can change but it can be difficult and scary. People usually dont want to change. You didnt waste money on your failed business ventures because im sure you learned some valuable lessons. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you could turn yourself around and start thinking positive about yourself and your place in the world your life is bound to change.

What types of jobs have you tried other than your own business? As beepers, our brains just aren't able to handle some of the high-stress jobs out there. To me, trying to start your own business sounds pretty stressful, because all of the responsibility for the business is on you. If you suffer from social anxiety, perhaps you could find a job where you only have minimal contact with the public. Also, it is good to try something part-time, rather than full-time, so you have time to "recover" after work each day. I understand how hard it is -- I'm currently taking a break from working until I get stabilized. However, I don't think you have to be resigned to living an empty life because of your illness. Don't give up! : )

lol @ euth in asia!

I suppose I do need to plod on waiting for those little grains of happiness, maybe something good will come along. The problem is my attitude, it's self-defeating. but I can't change how I think, it's like I'm looking at myself from above...

thanks bornunder

I did my year out in a software company. No contact with clients, minimal contact with other employees but just saying hello in the morning and bye in the evening got to me. Then there's the socialising - either I don't socialise which makes me feel isolated, or I try to socialise and end up feeling inadequate etc.

Part time does sound like a good idea tho. I've been bullied in the workplace before and it's stopped me from giving it another go. I was just at the place for a week and come friday I was suicidal and back in hospital.

I tried to start businesses because I didn't have to face other employees. I thought web design would work but it's too stressful, even just working an hour or two a day. I've tried starting a mobile disco business, but the stress got too great, I'm not even sure why. I think when I put out a radio campaign and it flopped I felt I'd run out of options, and felt like I'd done it all off the back of bipolar mania and had deluded myself into thinking it would be a success. When I was 16 to 18 I'd done DJing and loved it but I don't think I have what it takes anymore. All the other ideas were to make a very small income, but they turned out not to be practical because it would take so long to earn the investment back, if even possible.

I just had a thought that maybe what could work is working with other people with MH problems - it would make it a lot easier.

The thing is, right now, I get extremely bitter and jealous. Just seeing people socialise almost makes me sick. Seeing attractive people makes me feel totally inadequate and out of place. Seeing outgoing people makes me feel like a failure. I feel crazy seeing successful people because I feel my ideas are all based on delusions. Being in a workplace brings all this out. Even watching moves can make me feel suicidal....

thanks private, ladybug, you've helped... given me another option or two. I need to mull them over...

The best thing I can say for you to do about your socializing problems is to learn not to think about yourself as just one of the crowd but as an individual with something to offer. Some may not like what you have to offer but others will. You have to learn to let go and not think about the future when you get nervous around people. Dont think.. Do. If I let all the crazy thoughts get to me about what may happen if Im rejected or spit on or whatever I would never talk to anyone again much less a woman.

Keep working at solving your problems. The way it works for you is the best.