Bull, can't see you as a loser then I have to be one too. We deny because we don't understand fully what we have and then are scared due to tag of mental problems. You are no different than the rest of us we have all screwed up our lives due to this illness. Not our fault any more than being diabetic is our fault. Now that we know about it what we do from here is our fault. We must take our meds and try to control our fits of rage etc. I say rage cause this is my problem and the lithium is really helping with it. So take care and take the meds. Hugs

Actually Nutz, I see all of you guys on here as such strong and compassionate people. I think once my meds and counselling come (dec. 12 & nov 20th) then my life can begin. I think I'm just having a bad case of the self-pities tonight because I long to hold my husband and baby girl. It hurts so bad.

Wow Tracy...I sit here with tears after reading your message. I can relate in so many ways! Not as far as losing a husband but I've been in abusive relationships and the emotional roller coaster that is our lives just as woman, than add BP to it... forget about it! I was diagnosed a few years ago and I am on lithium as well, thank God for that stuff. However I still struggle with this damn disease, disorder, disfunction...daily. In AA they say "one day at a time". For those of us with bipolar, I say "one moment at a time". Hang in there! We are all here, reading, understanding, relating. IT WILL BE OKAY!

ps, if it makes you feel any better I found out I was "mildly" bipolar three years ago. Besides taking my meds (when I'm not in denial) I am just now starting the process to know what all this bipolar stuff means. I think the biggest and perhaps the hardest thing is not to beat yourself up. Take care!

Tracy I do understand how you feel. I too lost my boys due to my actions in which I atribute to the BP. It sounds like you need time to forgive yourself. We all know, we can't change what we have done but we can try our hardest not to repeat some of those actions. And no, you don't sound like a failure. You sound like a human being with a big heart.

I am dealing with the same issues Tracy. In fact I just sent my wife an email to let her know that I can't expect her to continue our marriage because of my BP and because of all the problems I caused by refusing to find out what was the reason I was the way I was. I am waiting for the response to my long heart felt email and expect the standard 1 or 2 line response that will have no real substance and leave me hanging in the wind or finally end things. I am so sad I wasn't courageous enough to do seek treatment before I ruined my marriage. The part that really hurts is the fact that my feelings for her have never changed but her feelings for me have been crushed, stomped out, and are probably gone forever. My big concern is trying to sell our house (that I am not welcome at) in this aweful real estate market so I can let her move on. I am now feeling what she felt all these years without the angry outburst I get complete disintrest. I am so sorry to have caused my wife to feel she wasted the last 16 years of her life with me. I am also having a really hard time forgiving myself and don't know if I ever really can.
Ron

Oh Ron, I am so teary eyed reading what you wrote. Dammit this is so unfair. I mean its not our spouses fault as they had to live with us like this for so long. But its not our fault because we are sick. Part of me feels like he should forgive me because it wasnt me afterall. But another part of me understands he's hurting.

Juzme, wow, now i'm crying because I know so badly the hurt you are going through. I long to hold my daughers. They are 10 and 2. I pray every night I can get my family back. The pain, its so unbearable. People dont understand why I dont talk about my kids much. Its because when I think of them it fucking kills me. I miss combing my 2 year olds hair and playing "baby" with her where she'd come running to me. I miss my ten year olds drama and her cuddles. I feel so torn up and so torn apart. I feel I am unlovable and an absolutely lousy mother and human being. Oh God this hurts so much.

Yes! It does suck. Both of my youngest daughters live with thier fathers. I do have joint custody,but i was unable at the time to provide food and shelter for my girls. Things are changing now but Oh so slow. I try to think positive in that things will change when thet should. I don't know if I can handle jumping back into the mode even if they just came back to me. I will tell you though that my choice in men was very poor to say the best and I had little help with the kids and I always had to work as well. It was like all or nothing. If they were going to help they were going to take over completly. No middle road gee that would be to healthy for the kids. I'm confident that things will work out I can now be the Disney mom instead of the overstressed bitch.

Write an I love you postcard too each of you children everyweek expect nothing in return. Stay on your meds. Talk to your therapist about the inappropriate nagging iit must come from ssome where. Would a parapalwgiic call himself a failure cause he couldnt walk?

Thank you Aunt, that is such a wonderful idea. I am going to get me some postcards and send them. I think about my family everyday, and this would be a great way of showing them.