Sounds like you are depressed.

I don't think you are alone there. I cannot remember a day in over 10 years to where I have not prayed that I would just die.

I feel you need a change of pdoc and drugs.

Right now I am fighting to just keep fighting

NO I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!!! I just hate existing for the sake of existing even when I have something to do...

I am on the downward spiral that is for sure. I was like I am so high I need to come down then down I came and I thought this is good Then I hit the low now I am just there.

Its not to the point of just sleeping the days away I am almost wishing it were that way again as at least I would not just be sitting here as I really don't have the enegy to move beyond my bed.

I don't even restart movies I was listing to the DVD repeating the splash screen for an hour before I had the energy to change it to play too tired/bored to even switch it from one movie to another...

EXISTING is just so boring.

That is the thing existence for the sake of existence does suck. I live for little things everyday, like doing my radio show or playing with my daughter, but other than that I'm pretty miserable as well. I think having those little things that make you want to get out of bed are the key.

I have reached the point where I HATE too wake up. I wake up for my son for a bit, my marriage is over. And I really just want to give up, but I promised someone I care about I wouldn't do that

Having a death wish on yourself is seriously no joke. Maybe you should do something like get a haircut, it helped for me.

That's the evil nature of the bipolar mind.You sound like you are in a mixed episode.The awful depression and feeling high strung and aggitated both at the same time.This is considered a very dangerous place to be....try asking for a meds change.Yeah ,I know...another change!
But I was in that kind of mind set for 5 years.It took 4 years of constant meds changes ,to finally find something that is working for me.

Remember bipolar is a biochemical imbalance.Your brain is incapable of "seeing " the good things in your life.There is that barrior....it's a hard concept to absorb...your brain does not have access to the rational side.The side of your brain,that will remind you ,you have friends and family that love you,and that there is hope.

Hang in there.8 weeks ago,I was ready to say F all...and just give it all up.
Then my Pdoc Rx Depakote for me.
Within dys ,I was seeing life the way I used to be.I felt happy for the first time in 5 years.
I don't know how long this will last...but today,I'm glad I rode it out
Good luck to you

ever read my journals??? I feel u completely Shawn, but it's RELIEF we seek, not death...much luv-

Seems common are you on the right meds?

Yes, therapy, evaluation of meds, and finding a support group is VITAL.
You are among MANY who have wished life would just END. Hope and perseverance and open mindedness are critical factors for a happy life. www.healthrecovery.com
I just started on 2 amino acids are feel so much better. Hang in their and look for the sunshine and joy with your son.

It is a real fight. When Winston Churchill was suicidally depressed, he forced himself to paint in oils outdoors. I literally have to wrench myself up, go put on an old favorite LP & DANCE. After 3 songs & truly have some happiness starting. Then I can force myself outside, to walk in Nature & That's when real happiness happens. It's not easy but it is possible. BTW, I am also on a good combo of meds & have a great therapist & an understanding husband. Don't give up!

The 'hating to wake up' set off the alarm bell in me.
I had that for a while.
Looking back ( I do a LOT of that ! ) I reckon I should have voiced my concerns more.There are many ways to do that.You have DS and you also should tell your professional helper about yr moods in detail.
Once I began to tell my psych the details, I found that they moved into a different gear of trying to ascertain how best to improve the level of care.
All the best.
I saw it through to a point...but I should have shouted them for help sooner.

Thank you all, I see the pdoc today to start lamictal. I have been of lithium 2 wks and under alot of stress so hopefully as these situations resolve and my meds are adjusted things will look up!
I just can't remember being happy for long ever, I always seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop