Hello everyone, I am very very new to this site and am also new to Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed in spring of 2006 and never took my medication because I was afraid of the side affects. This was the worst thing I could have ever done. In the summer of 2006 my ex wife and I went to Jamaica on our huney moon(married in 1994) and when we came back I began to spiral emotionally downward. I left her without even knowing it if that is understandable. We had entered a local contest and formed a weight loss team and we both lost a substainal amout of wieght(me 90 lbs her 60 lbs). Being a drinker this did bode well for my body emoitonally, phyically and chemically. I made bad choices that led to our divorce. I left her and I have no idea why. I still loved her in my heart but my head was telling me I didn't need her. I followed my head. Wrong choice. For the past 4 months I have almost compeltely stopped consuming alcohol(4 days a week to 1 day a week) and have gained all my weight back. And it was like a light switch went off in my head and I WOKE up is the term I like to use. I realized what I had did to my ex and how I had hurt her. And since that point my life has been spiraling downard ever since. My every waking and sleeping thought is of her. She was my rock and my life and my best friend and disposed of her like a used paper towel. I think to myself what have you done why did you do that and then I cry and cry and cry. I look at old pictures and wish for that moment in time to be able to go back there and take my medication. i will stop for no but I ahve so much more inside and I don't know what to do!! Sorry for rambling so much!! Shane

Hello Howard,

Welcome to DS.

It's really nice to meet you. I'm sure you had a steady stream of Mania going on in your life. Self medicating "they say" is not the way to go. Although, I do occasionally smoke one or drink one. I'm happy you have been getting control of that. Did you replace the drinking and feeling of fullness that goes along with that.. with just possibly eating more instead? Are you inactive and do you isolate now?

You'll find the freedom and friendship here that you need.

God Bless

Thank you for reading my reply, and how do I tell if I am isolating?? I am moderately active but have been a loner all my life. And I wouldn't say I am eating more just went back to the old way of eating that I was accustomed to I guess. The self medicating was terrible user and abuser and if not for my kids it would be still a major problem. And freedom and freindship seem like a dream let alomne a reality to even have those in my life!! thanks from the bottom of my heart.

You'll find a slew of wonderful souls here always ready to listen.
Night and Day.
The pages turn quickly sometimes.. and sometimes more slowly.
---about isolation---
Mental illness, I think, is at the core of most cases of social isolation. "Also, isolation causes mental distress, and the stigma and social exclusion linked to mental health problems can make isolation worse. This self-reinforcing cycle condemns millions of people with mental health problems to a life of social segregation.".
-- I'm wondering whether you push people away in your quest to be a loner?

I love/like my friends.

They make me laugh!

Everybody on here makes me laugh...and cry...and makes me feel like I'm ok.

DS is my favorite place. I stopped watching the soaps so now I can get involved in the discussions which are theraputic. I normally read my friends journals and send messages to then, and vice versa. I really like DS.

Howard, Welcome. Things will get better man. This place is a great spot to vent and bare your soul. Expect alot of support and good-intentioned humor. Sometimes we all need to laugh at ourselves and others. Don't put too much pressure on changing external matters. Work on yourself a little bit at a time. You will find your strengths to build upon.

I like my job:
Because every now and then I can create something that serves others.

I love my wife and son:
Because I do...

DS is my daily dosage of the world of BP. I don't get that world outside of DS.

TO DS: (sung to a Beach Boys song)
...God only knows what I'd be without you.......

I love my guy, my kids, my brothers, and my friends. Oh no this is not normal, is it more normal if I say sometimes I don't like some of the things these people do? My friends I have had for over 30 yrs so we have been through alot together, four divorces and parents deaths and we stick like glue.

I love my friends my family, pets people who care about me which I am very fortunate to have so many. YOU GUYS ROCK THOUGH! I have so many people in the real world but no one really gets my BP accept you guys! You have helped so much!

i love my family and friends and i love Betty Buckley and Stevie Nicks...i would LOVE to give her a BIG hug..

oops forgot to say Why i love them they are gentle souls with poetic hearts and they are BEAUTIFUL! They touch my heart.

I guess reading this from the beginning I never really answered the initial question regarding who I like and who I love. For me I love my kids. As far as other family goes my mom was never there for me when I was growing up. She was 13 when she had me and she had my grand parents basically raise me. Don't get me wrong I loved them like parents and they understood me. Funny thing i don't quite understand and I ahven't been able to come to terms with is why whe nthe ypassed away didn't I cry for them?? Denial? Lack of feelings?? Wish I knew what it was. Anyway(rambling again) I love my kids, my ex wife and golf. Like ??? What is there to like about me. The emotional rollar coaster I am on scares people away and also frightens me. I don't even love myslef so how could I really even then love anyone??