When is it time to hospitalize yourself? Right now I'm not taking my meds, I feel like I shouldn't take them because I want to feel. But right now I'm numb. I'm getting everything in order. When I get my tax return I'm going to pay off all my bills so I don't leave my family with debt. I'm buying my kid clothes in advance so I know she will have them. I feel like if I don't change the only other option I have is to kill myself. I don't have a plan or anything but I've been on this road since I was 11 and I think I'm finally at the end. Part of me feels like I should get myself help so that I can watch my little girl grow up but the other part of me feels like I'm the enemy and I deserve to die and the last thing my daughter needs is me in her life. I don't know if I'm safe. I don't feel right, right now I can say I know that I'm not thinking clear but mostly I think everything that goes through my head is right.
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Today, it's been a year since Rubes' death. I'm not doing so well. I miss her all the time and I've fallen into bad habits that I know she'd nag me for. I have to do better, sometimes it's just really hard. I miss her humour and encouragement. Saying a prayer that she's at peace.
In separating from my abusive ex husband (a 3 year process), so many people have asked if he hit me. When I say no l, it’s a relief reaction that it wasn’t that bad. I can’t tell them that he sexually assaulted and sodomized me while I begged him to stop with a newborn sleeping in the neighboring room. Abuse is abuse and sends the same message in all it’s horrible forms. I hate the...