I have no ideal where my life is going. I'm either in a constant state of confusion, rage, anger, or sometimes being outright hateful. Sad to say, "To the ones I love the most" I feel like my world is coming down around me, and I'm like stuck in the middle watching it all in slow motion. I know I have to regain control of myself and my actions or my family is just going to give up on me, and say the hell with this shit! Right now they are being supportive, but I don't expect them to be forever. I have this horrid feeling of being violated, and my family hasn't hurt me. "My daughter or Husband" I think my past is creeping up on me again, and I don't think I can handle the memories surfacing again, and all those feelings I had as a child being out of control, and no one there to help me. I have been bouncing from happy, to sad, from sad to angry, from angry to depressed, from depressed to moments of short lived happiness. I get so depressed that all I do is lie on the couch and watch criminal justice shows about killers, and people that kill themselves, and why they do it. I know that's kind of creepy huh? At one point in my life I really thought I was going to turn out to be a serial killer. I mean I hurt small furry animals when I was a kid, and played baseball with a horny toad. I buried three kittens alive behind my house, but I dug them up so they wouldn't die. They were still alive. I even once dissected a frog while it was still alive, and instigated a fight between a really big dog and a small helpless kitten. The kitten died. I just laid it on the people's porch. I don't remember what I felt at the time. "I'm a really sick twisted f**** of a person!" I even wondered what it would be like to kill all the people that had hurt me as a child. It was a daily fantasy. I used to leave post-it notes on my step dads car, "You are going to die today!" And draw pictures of monsters biting off his head, and pissing on him. I was taken to a shrink, and they said I was a very intelligent kid! And that nothing was wrong with me. Maybe I should have told them the horrors I was freaking having to live with!!! But I was too scared. Damn, where would my life be if I would have had the guts to tell? Am I normal? HELL NO. I'm freaking weird, and scary. Shit, I scare myself with all these thoughts. I don't know what to do with them except write them down, and try to make sense of them all. It all boils down to this; I could never kill another human being. However, I know if I were to tell the "white coats" of all these thoughts I would be branded a danger to society, and locked away. So I sit on my petty stool of shame, and try to appear normal and not the pimple on the ass of society I really see myself as.
Posts You May Be Interested In
I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...