Last night I had a very bad episode at my friends house. When I first got there I had this weird uneasy feeling in my stomache. From there it started moving towards depression but I was holding it in ok. Then, I'm not sure what happened but I started shaking a little bit and I couldn't unclench my hand. I went through about half a pack of cigarettes in about an hour or so and then it got really bad. The shaking got a lot worse, I could barely hold the lighter still in my hand and my thoughts were jumping back and forth between wanting to kill myself, bash my head or hands into something or crying until there was nothing left. I ended up sitting there with my arms clenched around me and I wasn't able to breath right. When my friend came out and saw me and asked what was wrong I finally broke down and started to cry. I am tired of feeling this way, I was doing so good until about a week or two ago. What the hell happened? I just want it all to end and finally be done with, sometimes I just can't take this pain anymore.
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I've been pretty stable the last few months. I haven't had a depressive episode in months and no hypomania. My meds really seem to be working. I was substitute teacher last school year but I recently found a part time job as a paraprofessional and I am happy with a set schedule. I'm doing so well and I hope it continues. My kids see a huge change in me and are proud of how well I am doing.
Ephesians 4:29 New Life Version (NLV)29 Watch your talk! No bad words should be coming from your mouth. Say what is good. Your words should help others grow as Christians.