So I went to church with my mom tonight. It was a very bad idea. Needless to say I had to walk out as the priest was giving his homily after the gospel. What had happened was I was already anxious about going so I took a xanax before I went in. Then as we are sitting there I was looking at the crucifix at the back of the altar. I felt like I was the one nailed to the crucifix not Jesus. Except the people were not there to celbrate or mourn my loss. They were there to laugh at me, torment me and throw stones at me. I felt like everyone was looking at me and knew that I was BP and not in good condition. I felt like the cat was out of the bag. I couldn't control it. So I got the car keys from my mom and went out to the car. I smoked a couple of cigs, listened to the radio really loud and wanted to cry. I want to come back to God but I feel like I am not worthy of his love. I am not worthy or deserving enought for Him to waste his time on me. Is this normal to feel like this when you go to church? I started feeling a little bit better so mustered up the courage and went back inside and made it in time for communion. I still felt like everyone was watching me and waiting for my head to spin around in circles. I felt like such a failure. While I was sitting in the car I wanted to cut myself. Make myself bleed like Jesus bled for us on the cross. I felt so overwhelmed in the moment. I didn't cut but the urge was there. When I went back into the church mass couldn't get over fast enough. I just wanted out. Now I am back at home, driking a cup of tea trying to calm down a little bit. Just wondering if anyone has had anything similar happen to them. Would love to hear from ya!
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