I know that some of what is happening to me right now is bi-polar stuff, but I also know that my husband tends to overact and thinks that I am attacking him or something when I simply wanted to let him know that I'm feeling a little off-center, and I'm trying to take care of myself. Instead he perceived something I said as being about him, because I said it in front of his brother. Honestly, for whatever reason, when we are in front of his brother he gets really weird, and whatever I do I feel like he looks at me differently, like I'm "crazy" or he's embarassed of me. I've been trying to work this out, but today I realized that it's not all in my head. It's real. He doesn't see it though, and I am sad. I am not on edge as much as I thought, but I am very sad because my husband became angry, won't talk to me (his passive agressive game) and I just said to myself, "fine." and I just went upstairs to sleep. I don't want to feel the way I feel. I don't want to feel like I married a man who is so self-centered that he is incapable of seeing his part in this. I am trying not to let myself idealize suicide (I don't want to die) I just don't want to feel so much hurt either. He needs someone outside of us to explain to him how his selfishness is damaging me, us, our intimacy. I am always the first to say when I am wrong, and this situation all I did was say, "I know you have told me I was talking too fast this morning, and now you say I'm very excited, but I am on top of my own energy... and if I am manic, I will try to contain it, the best I can" and he just took that to mean that I was saying that he was nagging me, and therefore I was nagging him! Whatever. I swear, I wanted everyone to know that I am aware when someone is telling me I'm reacting big... and I wanted him to know I would try to control it the best I could, but he took it to mean I was correcting him in front of his brother and my sis in law (we were at lunch). I can't win. I swear. I just want to disappear right now. I wasn't manic by the way. If I was I would have flipped out by the way he reacted to me. I sat there and prayed. Now I just want to crawl in a hole. I hate my disease. I hate that it is an easy out for him--that he doesn't ever have to look at himself. That he can do no wrong.
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...