I know that some of what is happening to me right now is bi-polar stuff, but I also know that my husband tends to overact and thinks that I am attacking him or something when I simply wanted to let him know that I'm feeling a little off-center, and I'm trying to take care of myself. Instead he perceived something I said as being about him, because I said it in front of his brother. Honestly, for whatever reason, when we are in front of his brother he gets really weird, and whatever I do I feel like he looks at me differently, like I'm "crazy" or he's embarassed of me. I've been trying to work this out, but today I realized that it's not all in my head. It's real. He doesn't see it though, and I am sad. I am not on edge as much as I thought, but I am very sad because my husband became angry, won't talk to me (his passive agressive game) and I just said to myself, "fine." and I just went upstairs to sleep. I don't want to feel the way I feel. I don't want to feel like I married a man who is so self-centered that he is incapable of seeing his part in this. I am trying not to let myself idealize suicide (I don't want to die) I just don't want to feel so much hurt either. He needs someone outside of us to explain to him how his selfishness is damaging me, us, our intimacy. I am always the first to say when I am wrong, and this situation all I did was say, "I know you have told me I was talking too fast this morning, and now you say I'm very excited, but I am on top of my own energy... and if I am manic, I will try to contain it, the best I can" and he just took that to mean that I was saying that he was nagging me, and therefore I was nagging him! Whatever. I swear, I wanted everyone to know that I am aware when someone is telling me I'm reacting big... and I wanted him to know I would try to control it the best I could, but he took it to mean I was correcting him in front of his brother and my sis in law (we were at lunch). I can't win. I swear. I just want to disappear right now. I wasn't manic by the way. If I was I would have flipped out by the way he reacted to me. I sat there and prayed. Now I just want to crawl in a hole. I hate my disease. I hate that it is an easy out for him--that he doesn't ever have to look at himself. That he can do no wrong.
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