And boy did it feel good. It would be so easy to apply more pressure and watch myself bleed. I don't want to die, just want to hurt myself really bad. It's been a good day for the most part but I couldn't resist the knives. I want to go back to them. I turned on the television so I could think about something else. But it's not working. Mom is laying down and asleep so I can't talk to her. she is not feeling well. I can't burden her. I just want to go back to the knives and cut myself some more. Maybe if I get really drunk I will forget about it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to hurt myself on the outside like I am hurting on the inside. I picked up several job applications today and don't know where start. Am I worth hiring? I don't think so. I just feel all alone. Dad doesn't get off work for another hour so I can't call him. God what to I do? I really don't want to die but I'm afraid that if I don't leave the knives alone that's what is going to happen.I am so conflicted right now.
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