This is my first night...first post on here. I couldn't find anywhere/anyone else to turn to. So I thought I would try this. I'm going through a terrible patch right now and it is really scaring me. I have been quietly dealing with this for so long. I know my family and friends got so worn down with this in the early days so I no longer bother them with this. But this patch is the worst one I have had since my little incident years ago. I have rage episodes, and this one has been going on for over 2 weeks and getting worse. It is getting so hard to keep this under control and unnoticeable. I just need to be heard. Need to know that someone out there can understand that I can't deal with life the way most others can. I really feel like I am going to do something irrational and life altering....like I haven't already. Hell, I just told my husband after 12 years to hit the road in such a very unkind way for no reason other than I want to be alone and can no longer be around his optimism anymore. When he didn't leave I just got cruder and said the most evil things to him. did the most evil things to him. What the hell? I just wanted him to go quietly. I no longer want a witness to these phases. I want him to have a normal life. He still wants to work things out and it makes me feel worse. Makes me even more angry. Makes me want to take a shovel to his head. Makes me want to hurt him physically. I want to hurt someone or something. Breaking stuff doesn't give me the release it used to. I used to just pack up and leave in the middle of the night when I even felt the slightest bit this way. Last time I left for a year and a half and he waited. The saddest thing is that I should love someone like that but I don't. It enrages me that I don't and I hate him for it. Unfair, I know. I hate him for seeing the real me and loving all of me. I DON'T...why does he? So, Here I go...screwing up another part of my life. The way I always do. I want to run again, because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't. I am screaming so loud on the inside that I am about to shatter. Sorry guys...I just needed to get some of this out! I'll leave you alone now.
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