I want to say thank you and sorry. I will try and explain fully.

Some of you might be aware of my disastrous day yesterday. Well today when I went to the doctor for the help I'd been promised, I had a big shock. I sat down and she asked how I was feeling and I said shit and told her what my CPN had said the night before. I said she'd said I might need my Depakote increased and if the GP was willing to do that then cool, if not to call her today and she'd get the PDoc to do it. So I told my GP this, and then my GP just looked at me, weirdly, folded her arms, (it wasn't usual GP tho, just a local one) and said that's weird. I said why? and she said, well Kim (CPN) said to me that she doesn't even think you need the Depakote at all. (Basically saying, 'you are a liar'). So i burst into tears and started feeling a panic attack coming on and she said, 'I will phone Kim now'. So she rang Kim, me full blown panic attack in the background. Dr just said 'Bryher is here, can you hear her?' left a silence for a few seconds, then said 'well anyway...' then said what i'd said, and then she said, yes that is what I thought. And when she got off the phone she folder her arms again, me still freaking out, she said, well theres nothing more I can do. Kim confirmed that she didn't tell you to ask for your Depakote increased. I asked why would she say one thing to you and another to me, her reply 'I can think of a reason' and I said what? and she paused, for ages, me still gasping for breath, and she said 'well I can say it, cause I don't know you and I've never met you'... and I said say what? and She said 'She just said what you wanted to hear, to get you off the phone'. I just continued struggling for breath through pathetic bawling. Not knowing what to do or anything. She said, so theres nothing we can do, Kim will give you a ring some time next week if theres anything else we can do. I will go and get your mum to take you out. (meaning, you clearly aren't going to move on your own). My mum came in the Doctor said there isn't much we can do sorry and my mum tried to put her hand on my shoulder and god knows where the scream came from but I shrieked so fucking loud and tried to run out of the room but my mum jumped in the way so i screamed again and paced the room and my mum started talking to the doctor and i pushed her out the way I think, i'm not really sure, but bumped into the receptionist on her way in to check i wasn't killing the doctor I guess. EVERYONE in the doctors surgery was stood gawping at me as i hysterically ran through the exit and just ran up the street, eventually my mum caught me up and we went to see Kim my CPN.
She then said she hadn't told me what I said she had, that I misunderstood. That I hadn't been diagnosed Bipolar, That I had decided myself that I was and that I had decided I should have the medication all by myself. This is the part where I am sorry to all of you guys. Three years ago my pdoc then diagnosed me as bipolar and started me on the depakote which really really helped once he adjusted the dose as i was just on ssri's before. And for the last three years, (i stopped the med's about a year ago cause I moved away and couldn't get them off new doc (seems I now know why) I was led to believe I was BP. I had been given the medication, had all the symptoms, and I had been diagnosed.
Today I was made out to seem like a liar and some fucked up little girl who just decided she wanted an illness to be, i don't know, different? But that was not the case. I was diagnosed with it, treated for it, had the symptoms for it... But today, I have no idea why, I was told that there is nothing they can do for me. To just keep taking the medication, in case it does help and I am bipolar. They think Its more likely that I have some psychotic disorder, or just need a good sleep. And she said ok? happy? I will refer you to the day service team in the mean time though and see if the doctor will see you in three months instead of six. And the day services will write to you within a few weeks.
So I am sorry for being an imposter on this site. It seems most of you now will think I have made it all up and lied to you to get your friendship. But that is not true.

For the last eight years I have been ill repetitively and everything they tried to help me with never helped. Then they diagnosed me as BP and changed meds, and that started to help. But now they wont help me for that, and have said I made it all up, that they never said any of the things I said they did. So my mum just looked at me, like 'so all this shit you put me through, you did it because you are a bitch?' sort of look.

If I die, I will just be another statistic, but I don't know what suicide category i'd get put in. Would I get put in depressed, DP, psychotic... or would I just be put in an outcast of the outcasts group? The very,very worst shit under your shoe?

Not someone with a mental illness.

Somebody far more scummy, just some silly little girl who WANTS a mental illness.


Just a silly little girl.

Maybe I wont be a statistic.

Maybe I will get my own category.

Suicides to be celebrated... no more wastage for the NHS.



FUCK IT.

So thanky ou to all of you that helped me, and sorry for unknowingly (if you do believe me) leading you to believe I had BP.

I am going to delete my account.

My name is Bryher, I will somehow make someone notice me. Somehow.

I will not remain invisible.