If you are feeling suicidal, that is likely the way you are going to interpret what you are reading, and how you feel at church....if you were in a different frame of mind, it probably wouldn't seem that way to you....please talk more.

No if you are like me you see "messages" in everything LOL.Maybe the msg is to keep it light,jest about it,and things will get better.I have also been so low i thought that God had forsaken me even that I was so fucked up even he wouldn't have me.It is the depression talking.So is the suicidal thoughts.Call your Dr and go in for a chat and see if meds need to be altered.Stay on here too!!!!There are at least ppl on here you can talk too about this that understand.:)

i'm still lookin for answers too. when i go to church i always come out more confused than when i went in. maybe i'm not gettin what He's tryin to tell me. i'm so glad your here talkin about it. this is the only place i can come and open up. my family has no idea how bad i am and i'm down to one friend now. i've shut everyone else out. i know i can't make u feel better but i understand where ur comin from. just stay with us and talk for a while...patty xx

In my bout with the ideation I came away a survivor. I chose life. I'm not a counselor but go to this site:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I feel so lost. I dont know who to even turn to really. My case worker hasnt returned my calls and she really hasnt the answers. My Psyciatrist will just up my meds and its not that meds wont 'find me'. My councilor is great but its slow and agonising and opens more doors then I can handle. I feel misunderstood everywhere I go. My view on life and the world is so off and wrong and I am seeing just how wrong. I think to my self maybe just maybe I can turn to the one thing people hold faith in and I just cant reach it. I was raised christian and concidered my self a christian but now I dont even know about that. I do nothing I use to enjoy my life is in shambles financially. People say I have so much to be thankful for yet it seems so small when I dont even know who I am how can I interact and benifit them

do you have a bible, buggy?

My family feels I am on meds and have counciling that my issues will be resolved shortly. Befor meds I was rapid cycling so fast I didnt have the time to even really see how life was. Now I am slowed down so much that life has smacked me in the ass. I need answers and I need them now. the lady I talked to in the shurch said God never abandons you but I think he truely did.

When I hit a wall today and litterally had a break down I decided to go for a walk.... I have lived next door to a church for 3 years and have never stepped foot in there except to get married. I Looked up at the cross and said aloud, GOD please please help me understand. I went in....

I ended up talking to the only one there that could really talk with me. She was the head of the sunday school studies. We talked. I could see her almost childish love for God. I call it such because 'Jesus Freak' is just to mean and degrading. She had that veiw of God that I had when I was in the 4th grade. 2 years later I was abused by my newly reintroduced to the family father. I suffered in pain for 3 years pleading with God to send some one to help me. I had many doors turned on me including teachers. I stopped asking for some one to be sent and started seeking some one to help me with in the church.... after 5 years of searching and being turned away I changed my 'beliefs' I decided that God already sent the tools that I needed and they exsisted in society. That he wasnt ment to play a major role in my life. By that I mean directly intervine.

Today I listened to the lady I was talking to and she seems so at peace with her troubles because God would carry her.... And she said that no matter what GOd never Abandonded her... and thats when it hit me. I looked at her and I said no I do believe God abandoned me. She was a bit dumbstruct and tried to pull the talk back into that guided path.... I sat and listened and assured her that althought I had gotten very quiet I was listening. Truth was I was wondering why I felt abandoned. Well I have layed in bed and realized the reasons as listed above (in more detail)

How do you trust in something you cant see when you feel abandoned, when you feel the world sees you as the unwanted... How many other disorders have books telling loved ones that there is little help for us unless we try extreamly hard and then go about telling them how to save our selves? No where in the Bible is there any thing that says love the Borderline for they are suffering more then you can imagine?

How do I make sence of all this. I want so badly to have that faith and love that carries me througth so I am not lost and empty, but honestly its just not there.


Home was not the place for me, the hospital was not the place for me, and now I feel even Church isnt the place for me. Whats left?

WOW, Tommy, that is a great website.

I put it on my favorites list "just in case"

Thanks.

I know I have at one time had a bible... many times in fact. Im sure I have one some where... no I havent read it in a long time. I dont get the feeling of protection and love I seek when I read it. I see in the stories that either God will give us the strengh to survive or carry us while we cant walk... well Im not survivng I am exsisting and I am not being carried I am being drug throught life.

i can understand that. please don't think i'm tryin to convert you or stuff religion down your throat. i rarely go to church but there are a couple of verses i read. sometimes they help sometimes they don't.

Buggy, I think you are on the right path, believe it or not...because the right place, is right inside your heart.

Remmeber Goldilocks?? The same principle applies to your heart.

And when you're this deeply depressed, you don't FEEL God's presence and love, but it IS still there.

That is when we learn to BELIEVE what the Bible says, regardless of how we FEEL.

I know how difficult this is, but if you can grasp it, he WILL carry you through.

Have you ever read the "Footprints" poem/story?

Hey, buggy. Bad feelings...bad time, I see. First of all, HUGS to you! I know those feelings all too well, and they're miserable ones.

I also know what it's like to go to church and feel empty, like God isn't even there for you. I learned, however, that when it comes to God, we can't go by feelings. If we do, we'll never be satisfied. I used to be a christian as well, but now, I'm not sure where I stand...different subject, different story, but I still believe in God whole heartedly.

If it's God you want to reach out to, perhaps try opening your Bible, saying a prayer for God to show you what you need, and start reading some psalms out loud. In the past, when I have faced difficult situations, I have done this and amazingly, it actually helped.

I hate it when people tell me I have so much to be thankful for. I mean, it is true, but what I need is for someone to understand and support me, you know? I know you likely feel the same way. When you hurt so much, it's hard to see the good, and understandably so. I'm glad you're getting this out here. If it helps, keep talking. If the Bible thing helps, keep doing it until you feel at ease enough to get some rest. I will say a prayer for you!

i know people that are like the woman you talked to. they are so dedicated to thier faith and can't understand why i can't be the same. my cousin is a pastor and many times he has told me to "let go and let God". that is a wonderful concept but i don't know how to do that. if it was that easy to let it all go i would have done that a long time ago. i can't find that place that others seem to find to get so close to God.

patty I dont think anyone is trying to ush GOd on me I asked for it in a way.... its ok

Star... wow Im almost lost for words... that rarely happens....

My heart is an empty hole when it comes to myself. I don't know how I hit this deep depression out of what seems like no where. I was doing ok... even fine and I woke up yesturday and stuff started to sink in and here I am. I have depression yes... but rarely like this and I thought I was getting to a stable place.

And how do you tell some one to just believe in what the BIble says when for 18 years of your 33 years of life you believed... and you were hurt in ways no one should ever be. And you had so many doors shut on you when you reached for help? How do you tell some one to look within for those answers and for the healing and then say that God will help you throught and even carry you? God is not in my heart He left me when I was 11. It makes me wonder if he was ever there or if my child mind was just able to believe in God because I was told he was there.

When I was 11 my father sexually abused me. I prayed. I had faith in my God that he would guide me to someone to save me... I was just a child afterall how could I be expected to get out of the situation alone. There was no one... Finally My abuser opened the door for me to reach out to others... I think of it now and think how cynical that is. So I reached out... for well over 5 years. To anyone and everyone around me. pastors and fellow christians alike... let God... thats what I heard... ok.... so I do and I continue to suffer at my fathers hands emotionally. Finally he is taken away by his own actions and put in Jail... maybe some would say that God interviened... and still I reached to GOd to heal me. Here I am 13 years later... I am no where near healed. I am empty I am lost and I am done with it all. I can not carry my self any more. My life is a mess all around me and no one will step in and help me fix it. They give me Bandaides and push me at some one else...