Ya, I'm pretty sure it's part of BP (but don't take my word for it, I'm not as smart as I like to think). I think it might be a common thing, though... I feel that often, some days it is so hard to fight it off... the want for all feeling to end. I know it so well. Last attempt wasn't far away, my husband crying is what made me realize what I had done... I ousted the pills, and made myself be a bit stronger. I was so happy I remember, thinking how close I was, how soon it would be that I would not feel... I think maybe one of the best ways to fight off the thought is to remind yourself of what you love. If you have no one, love the clouds! I don't really know... hope I helped?

Thank you. It's way uncool that its a part of the disease but it is comforting to know i'm not alone. thank you for the tips. that hurt me too afterwards. thinking i almost left my girls and making my man feel like it was his fault. then you get to feel the guilt. it's just never ending sometimes.

God, don't I know it... but once you see the warning signs of one of those feelings coming on, it is alot easier to push those thoughts away. Best of luck to you. And don't let the guilt get you down. You are making an effort to avoid it, and you have felt bad for it, now you should feel better, at least... I hope you can.

Hmmmm....gonna go out on a limb here and I sure hope MHA comes in and comments cause she's pretty much the straight dope on these kinds of things but here goes....

I once read (in a Kay Jameison book I believe) that 20% of diagnosed bipolars will successfully attempt suicide. The need to do this was contributed to the inability to withstand the constant mood swings, the effect the disease has on a persons work life, relationships, and often their creative life. At any rate, suicide is one of the riskiest and most common behaviors of all bipolars. While most (80%) bipolars will only think about it or make a half-hearted attempt in order to express the deep emotional turmoil they are in, 20% are actually successful. It is downright scary. Now, I have had serious discussions with my pdoc about this cause, as it turns out, I fall in that category of 20% who "ideaize" and have all the characteristics of being very successful on an attempt. His job (as he told me) is very challenging as should he fail, I shall succeed.

I don't think this comes from an "I want to die" perspective as much as a "I don't want to live like this any more" perspective. I think it's more common than we realize, and I think our support systems fail us when we are at our weakest points. How do we keep it from happening again? Man, my only prayer is that when I go into that black tube again, I'll recognize I'm sliding and I run, I do not pass go, but run to the nearest ER room and insist they call my pdoc. My last attempt left me somewhat crippled for life, I fear my next will be absolutely successful.

No. Not if you are in therapy and on the right meds dosages. speak with you doctor honestly about this.

I don't want to kill myself. I do want to kill myself. Each day it swings one way or the other. It's always in the back of my mind..just an option if things get too bad.
I keep the pills were I can get at them. It's comforting in a way to know I can always escape. Just me I suppose.

Otter, are you saying it's NOT a common thing with bipolars?

Anyone who has done any research at all on Bipolar knows that any amount of therapy and any of medication will not make the bad days go away. I guess its the fact that our lives are so unpredictable and sometimes just down right miserable that we just cant take it anymore. But i think that the guilt that i would feel if i tryed and didnt succeed. My family doesent deserve that and i will not take it upon myself to ruin lives.

THAT is what scared me the most. The pain and hurt was so strong and overwhelming that I DIDN'T stop and think of those I'd leave behind. I had never been at that point before. That's why I posted. It's a double edged sword. Its nice to know I'm not alone and others struggle with the same thing but at the same time, I'm so sorry for everyone who does suffer. I wouldn't wish this on anyone! To the person who described it as falling in the "black tube", THANK YOU. That is almost exactly how I have described it for years now. Like a black, dark, lonely, empty hole that sometimes you just don't know how to crawl out of. This is an amazing site. Like I said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it is truly comforting to know that although I often feel alone, there are many others who can relate. I was so frustrated with the hospital because they kept saying I was "in denial" because I said I DIDN'T have a plan when I took the pills. But, i DIDN'T think I want to kill myself. I DIDN'T have a plan. There are hours in that same day that I just don't remember. If I can't explain to the doctors what was REALLY going through my mind, how can they REALLY help me? If I have to say I planned it to appease them, then I'm not being honest. maybe deep down, somehow, that's what i wanted but i don't believe that. i never thought i wanted to die.

I guess I am fortunate that my pdoc understands exactly what I mean when I start referring to the "black tube". When I start sliding, initially I can see some light at the opening of the tube, but if I slide too far, it becomes all black, and I can't think beyond the desire of not wanting to live in that tube. I consciously would never want to hurt my loved ones (family or friends) but when I am embedded in that tube, I don't consciously know anything but the darkness. It is very difficult to come out of. I work hard at not sliding into that tube, I come close to the edges frequently, but I have to force myself back through whatever means necessary. Sometimes it's reading, walking, cleaning, or just numbing my mind. Whatever it takes. I can't afford to go into that tube. Not at this point in my life. Hopefully, I can continue to build on my life so the damn thing goes away and I won't ever slide in again.

my therapist has a good analogy for this-in relation to the black tube-- it's as if your walking along a path,just as others do everyday (sort of picture a video game like mario ) up ahead is a deep well. some people see it in time and they jump, some may bump into it and walk around, and some like me know it's there somewhere but rarely see it coming and we fall right in. at this point we are still alive and at the darkest,coldest bottom. we try to climb back up but the walls are slimy and hard to hold a grip on. sometimes a supporter from above will throw down a rope but still our hands are wet and slippery and it's a real struggle to climb up. so, back to the mario reference, along our paths we can gather "extra points" drugs? or "extra strength"-therapy? sometimes even an extra "life"-- faith and spirituality? it helps me to think of my life in this way and every day i try to gather more "power points" so that when i fall in, i'll have a better chance of getting out and maybe someday i'll know when and have the strength to just jump right over. Super Mario!

God, that's a great analogy! I printed it off and put it on my wall! Anything and everything to keep me going and to help me think in positive ways. Thanks zombie!

Sorry your feeling that way,rkapp2; I've some crazy stuff too,thought i could fly once, well i couldn't. I deal with suicidal thoughts alot,I've learned to ignore them or write them down in a journal.Weakness has nothing to do with it,it's an illness.

Hi Patricia -- Good facts! I don't know what Kay Jameison's book reads, I do know that the National Institute on Mental Health states that 80% of those with bipolar will consider suicide, 50% will attempt, 20% will be successful. And yes, most often, those who attempt are trying to end the pain, not neccessarily die. There is a distinction. Good research there.

Approx. 1/2 of all completed suicides are by those with bipolar disorder.

Risk factors include: early age of onset; high number of major depressive episodes; alcohol abuse, personal history of antidepressant-induced mania, and family history of suicidal behavior.

Impulsivity and hostility traits also elevate suicide risk. Impulsivity may be the reason why people with bipolar disorder who abuse substances are twice as likely to attempt suicide as those who do not. About two thirds of people who attempt suicide make multiple attempts. In those with bipolar disorder, 1 out of 5 suicide attempts is lethal, in contrast to 1 out of 10 to 1 out of 20 in the general population.