I'm so concerned and scared about everything in my life now. I'm an english major out of college for a year and I have no job prospects at all. What am I supposed to do? I feel zero confidence. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm shutting myself up from the outside world making it difficult for me to continue to develop my people skills. I don't know what the hell to do. I'm unemployed and feel extremely unprepared in every type of job I apply and interview for. I feel so sorry for myself and I've been convincing myself that other people are feeling sorry for me to (which I'm pretty sure isn't true). My mind is so unpredictable. I can't go on feeling like this. I moved to California for a two months thinking I'd geographically cure myself and find success. While there I could hardly sleep and I hated myself with every fiber in my being for not being able to snap out of it and join the world in communion with being one with the world. I felt no inner peace then and I feel no inner peace now. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to give up, but I surly don't know how much more of this depression and fear I can deal with. I've fallen into the routine of defeating myself everyday in every moment. I'll look to the future and see nothing but failure. I don't know whether my meds need to be tinkered with or what. Maybe this is just a reality of life. Suffering is a reality of life whether we like it or not. I know there will be better days, but as we all know this disease sure does like to tell us there won't be. It's not fair guys...it truly isn't. I should be out there being a good member of society. Helping people like my mom and dad did, and still do. Why do I feel so fucking stupid and lame for posting this online for all to see? Weeks ago I was paranoid about all my dealings with the internet. Knowing full well that anybody good with computers could see and read my inner sufferering. I only wished I believed in myself and could stop thinking so much about what others think of me. It's strange...I didn't always use to care what others thought. I still don't some days and weeks. Fuck me I cant believe I'm like this. Nobody deserves this. When does it end. I'm super blessed but my confidence is shot. I'm so unprepared. What I learned in college isn't really helping my anywhere when it comes to finding a job. Fuck! What am I supposed to do?
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