So I have been at my mom's for almost a week and I left there this afternoon. I just got home about an hour ago. While I was down there I felt good. I felt productive. I had energy. I wanted to do things with my mom even if it was just watching tv. Now that I am home, I feel down and depressed. All I can think about is going to bed or hurting myself. I don't want to do either. I kind of feel like my safety net has been pulled out from underneath of me. I don't feel safe. I saw my roomie for about five minutes when he came out and smoked a cig. He barely said two words to me. Just asked if I was feeling better. I lied and told him yes. I can't talk to him about what is going on with me because he wouldn't understand. I feel like I have no control here. I feel like a guest in my own house. It is so dark and dreary here. My parents house is full of light. The only positive thing I see about my house right now is that it has a big back yard for my dog. He loves it. When I move in with my parents I will miss the yard. Not the house, but the yard. The car ride home was rough because I kept thinking that it was ok for me to crash my car. But I didn't want to just crash my car, I wanted to take someone with me. I thought about pulling into the rest area and walking into traffic. Anything to keep me from coming back here. But I didn't. I kept thinking about my poor doggie in the back of the car. I couldn't do anything that would hurt him. But I didn't do those things and now I am back home. Miserable. Is that what my life has become, miserable? I feel so down and depressed. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have an appt with my tdoc tomorrow and I going to talk about these things with her. I guess I just wanted to vent. I'm rambling so I going to shut up now.
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