I really don't understand if this is a personality thing or if bipolar disorder has robbed me of having meaningful relationships or a little of both. I don't really understand why I have such low self esteem, I feel the need to be accepted by everyone and when something happens it nearly destroys me. I am working on trying to let things go but it's hard bc I just feel so awful about myself that I reach out to people and end up getting hurt. My whole life, it's been like this. I care so deeply about what others think of me and I know I shouldn't. In my head, I know that I am a good person with a lot of great qualities to offer, that anyone would be lucky to have me as their friend but my heart says otherwise, I just don't feel all the good things that those who love me and care about me say and see in me. I don't know if anyone else can relate to this but I've been through years in therapy and on medications and I'm still feeling awful about myself. The only things that make me feel good is when I make something that comes out good, something tangible or when someone else comments on how well behaved my children are, other than those two instances I can honestly say that I don't feel very necessary and wanted or loved or even cared about. It's ridiculous bc I have been together with my husband for 15 yrs now and I do have a couple of close friends who I know love and care about me. It's that whole head/heart thing. I just want to be able to feel good about myself and love who I am and at this point in my life, I'm not sure that's ever going to happen. Thanks for letting me vent and I would love to hear from you, if you also feel this way, it helps to know that I am not the only person who struggles with this.
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