This started a few weeks back. It is snowballing and I don't know where it's going to end up. I feel so out of focus right now. I couldn't even decide which group I should write on. I feel confused, sad, very scared and angry. Waiting for another shoe to drop kind of feeling - I have been sick with leg pain and ear problems but all of a sudden I feel as though I'm not allowed to be sick. I just cut everything off. My ear doesn't hurt and neither do my legs. And I'm going to quit smoking in less than 2 hours. I have to. My only resentment there is that I also live with a smoker and don't know if he will follow through with me. He has been dx'd with Emphyzema. I worry about him. I was in the ER about 2 weeks ago with heart attack symptoms on the right instead of left side of my body. I was fine but where all that pain came from I don't know. I'm worried about my state of mind. I can make a plan for the day but I'm feeling so unstable that I can't make them stick. I end up doing too much and feeling like I didn't do enough. My fear level is sky rocketing and I don't know why, but when I get like this EVERYTHING scares me. I have tears in the back of my eyes and I know a good cry would make me feel better. I was on a group here at DS, a religious group calling themselves Christians but they don't believe in mental illness, they believe we are all possessed so I dropped the group. I can't believe people are that much in the dark ages. I did pray this morning and do believe in Jesus. I'm not going to get into it right now, so don't worry. To tell you the truth I'm in pain and now it's mentally and emotionally too and it's scaring the crap out of me. The sun isn't shining and I'm not sure it would help today or not. Usually cloudy days have a bearing on my mental state, sunshine being helpful. Beside my regular meds that I take I'm also taking a couple of extra for the bad infection I have going on in my ear. I thought maybe if I shared in a group somewhere it would help break the tension I feel on the inside. I also have an online friend I have been very worried about but now all I feel around that is that she will turn away from me and I will screw that up as well. My hubby to be is who I live with and all of a sudden I'm having all these fears about getting married. Even though 4 days ago I was fine with it. I don't understand what's going on. It's almost feeling like I didn't before I started taking my Abilify. I guess I've written enough for now. Feeling too crappy, Mary
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